Woodruff Wins!!!!

Woodruff beat Abbeville last night 38-21!!! Woodruff played one of the best games I've seen them play this year. If they can keep playing like that, they WILL win state!

Now they face Pageland Central (Chesterfield County) this Friday at 7:30. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go. Septtro and I will be away from one another at Thanksgiving but hopefully, it'll be worth it. :) Death Valley, here we come!!!

GO WOODRUFF!!!

So most of you know - but maybe some don't - that Septtro helps coach the offensive line at Woodruff High School. He LOVES it there. The school is awesome and the community is even better.

The team is in the 3rd round of playoffs for the first time since 2003. They have the potential to win state. Today, they go to Abbeville.

Abbeville is undefeated this season (although some may say they don't really play very many tough teams during the regular season). They haven't lost a regular season home game since 2005. We played them earlier in the season; losing by just two points (we made a lot of mistakes - probably one of the worst games we've played). They're a tough team. But I believe Woodruff is better - and no, I'm not biased - not at all.

I can't wait to go watch the game! It's gonna be a good one! Although, either way, it will be a bit bitter-sweet for me. I want them to win, but if they win, Septtro will not be able to go with us to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving as they'll play that Friday. As much as I'd really like to be with Septtro on Thanksgiving, you don't have many opportunities to coach a state championship team so I'd rather them win tonight. If they do win tonight, they better win next Friday - I'm not gonna be away from my hubby for nothin! :)

Check out their website. GO WOLVES!!

Disco Christmas!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Blog You Should Read

Sometimes I go from one person's blog to the next, to the next, to the next. It makes me wonder, sometimes, how many people read my blog that I'm not aware of. After all, there are several people I've never met that have blogs I read. You never know how God will use something as simple as a blog. I came across one in particular that was such an incredible story I thought I'd share.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the blog of Todd and Angie Smith's young daughter, Audrey. Todd is a member of the Christian group, Selah. The web address is: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Be sure you give yourself plenty of time to read various posts. I started at the beginning. Their testimony is so incredible and her blog is such an encouragement to me. I couldn't help but sit there and read - crying, rejoicing, and hoping.

In other news, my friend, Cortney, finds out if her baby is a boy or girl today. I didn't expect the emotions this would bring. I'm so thrilled for her. I guess I can't help but miss being in that same situation. Peanut would have been 23 weeks as of yesterday. Shawna finds out whether I'll be getting a niece or nephew on December 3rd. As excited as I am, I'm finding it harder and harder to not feel sad and disappointed as these various milestones continue to pass. Not my plans, God, but yours! Not my timing, but yours! "I'm letting go, of the life I planned for me - and my dreams...." God help me to let go of what I had planned for myself and accept where you've placed me. May I be content with the circumstances I'm in and continue to trust in you.

5K Race

I decided to try it - run a 5K. I run with Suka almost every night...probably about 1.5 miles or so. Somebody at work wanted to sponsor someone for the Lungs for life 5K here in Greenville so I decided to give it a whirl. My mom went with me but she mostly walked. I came in just over 27 minutes. Although I wanted to win, my goal was just to run the entire time without stopping and I did. So yay!

There were several people there with dogs so I felt bad for not bringing Suka. She could have walked with mom but I had no idea they would allow that. There were also SEVERAL strollers....ANNOYING!!!! Not that I'm against doing that with strollers but c'mon - move to the side. It was the first year for this so maybe they'll let the runners go first next year or something. I got frustrated a little bit tryin to weave my way through the people walking or barely jogging. But hey, I got some exercise and it was for a good cause so all in all, it was a fun morning! Here are some pics...

I'm gonna be an Aunt Sue!!! :)

That's right - I'm gonna be an aunt and I'm SO excited! Shawna (brother's wife) is 15 weeks as of tomorrow. I can't wait to find out if it will be a boy or girl. Then I can commence to buying all kinds of gender-appropriate things. :)

Although I was really looking forward to being pregnant with Shawna and having our kids be so close in age, (I actually found out about it the day before we got our sad news) I know His timing is perfect. Praise the Lord for this precious gift!!! This baby is truly a blessing to all of us and I can't wait to meet him or her!

The baby is due April 22nd. Here's what I'm looking forward to with my niece or nephew:

1. holding that bundle of joy for the first time - Oh I can't wait!
2. babysitting my niece or nephew - for free (that's right, so hand em over!)
3. seeing some of myself in some way in the baby (a laugh, personality, or my oh-so coveted ability to bust a move)
4. taking lots and lots of really fun pictures
5. seeing him or her smile at me, recognize me, and reach out their arms for me
6. watching them play in their first organized sports game or dance recital (face it Mark, it might happen)
7. being able to hype him or her up and then send them home ;)
8. having them meet, become buddies, and pal around with my future kids

I'm not quite sure when the appointment is to find out the gender but rest assured, I will announce as soon as I can. :) Please be in prayer for little baby Steenback and Shawna and Mark. They've been such an encouragement to myself and Septtro. I know both of them will make fantastic parents!

Dr Appt Update

So I had my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon. I had to wait almost an hour to see the doctor, but once I did, I realized it was worth it. She was extremely attentive and knowledgeable - willing and open to do whatever necessary to help me get pregnant again. I didn't feel rushed at all while talking to her...very nice and personable.

Basically, she further explained PCOS and told me what she would do now is get some blood work done to test my insulin levels. Apparently, my other doctor never tested for that. Sometimes women with PCOS can be insulin-resistant and this can cause health issues such as diabetes and high cholesterol down the road. She would then want to do an ultrasound to look at my ovaries herself and also check out everything else. She's a very thorough doctor and very precise and careful. Afterwards, as long as she sees what my records show (that I do have PCOS) and perhaps depending on what my blood work reveals, she would want to put me on Metformin [I knew it! :)]. She gave me several articles to read on PCOS, wants me to keep track of my basal temperature (my other doctor didn't even care to see my basal chart when I offered), and keep taking Reliv. She was very open to Reliv after I told her the success of others so that was encouraging. She said she didn't care how I got pregnant - only that I did and if Reliv helped do that, she was fine with it. I let her know I really don't like medicines but after hearing her and reading the articles, I feel Metformin might be a good option but I'm gonna try to give Reliv a chance first.

I won't see her again until December 3rd. That will be when I have an ultrasound and she'll go over the blood work results. I'll have to go to the lab for blood work in the next couple of weeks. We thought maybe I'd get to see her sooner but she's obviously very busy. That's ok with me. She pointed out some numbers on my blood work from several months ago that will hopefully change in the next few months. I'm hoping maybe my blood work I have done in a few weeks will reveal some progress after being on Reliv for a few more weeks.

All in all, it was a good visit and I feel encouraged. I'm fairly sure I'll end up switching to her as my primary doctor. I'm very thankful the Lord led me to her. I think she'll be very helpful. My weeks are still filled with good days and bad but I feel like at least physically, I'm getting myself on the right track.

Acrobatic Doggies

I've discovered a new setting on my camera and have been practicing with Suka and Tillman (brother's dog). Here are some of the better pictures...

It's almost like she was trying to pose for the camera instead of catching the ball.

I love this one

I love this one too - she's so happy! :)

Yeah sometimes she forgets to open her mouth.

Hahaha...I love her ears in this picture

Break it down, Suka!

Yes, she does actually catch it every now and then.

Tillman has some ups!
I really wish this picture wasn't in the shade because it would have turned out a lot better

I guess it helps he's a bit OCD - all he can think about is "ball, ball ball"

I kept mom in the picture so you can really get an idea of how high he's jumping.

They like to fight over who can get the ball first. They love each other so much! :)

Handsome lil devil isn't he?

She was being so frustratingly cute. I was trying to get her to lie down so I could get a good picture of her and she kept doing an army crawl towards me and then flipped over. So I gave up and just took the picture.

One Day Closer

My mom has been such an encouragement to me these past couple months. At the end of a lot of emails and phone conversations, she'll tell me I'm one day closer. One day closer to getting pregnant again. One day closer to meeting my baby. One day closer to being a mom. And you know what? I can't wait! :)

I have an appointment at another doctor's office a week from today. She's a doctor that has PCOS and has had a miscarriage and also has a young child. So I'm hopeful that she will be able to more adequately direct me down the right path towards a good, healthy pregnancy. Not that I blame my previous doctor for what happened. It's just they're more hands-off and let you decide whereas I'd rather someone with the experience guide me a little bit more. I'm not switching doctors at this point - just getting a second opinion on everything. I might end up switching but I'm just not sure yet.

I've started taking a vitamin shake twice a day. It's called Reliv and my mom has taken it for about 10 years. I guess there's been a lot of women with PCOS who've had success so I'm hopeful it will work for me as well. It actually helps with all kinds of health issues. I guess the biggest sign for me that it's working at this point will be if the skin on my back and shoulders starts to clear up. That seems to be a pretty consistent sign that my body isn't quite where it needs to be (while on clomid, it was clear as well as when I was on birth control). I don't like taking medicine so I really do hope taking this route will work. The doctor I'm going to see next week puts a lot of women with PCOS on Metformin and I'd rather not take that but we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Praise God for His never-ending grace and His all sufficient power over my circumstances. One day closer. I'm one day closer...

Kris' Wedding

So I'm a lil late posting this but better late than never right? I did take my camera but didn't take any pics...the ones below are from my cell phone. Kris looked amazing and the wedding was a lot of fun; it couldn't have been a more perfect day for an outdoor Charleston reception!

Hahahaha...I thought this was pretty funny - it's even spelled correctly!

Kris gettin all ready before it's time to walk down the aisle!

Laura and me

Cubee Crafts!!

A very fun website has been discovered and it's lots of fun. It's called cubeecraft.com and they continuously add characters. There's even a template to make your own. I made Lion-O (from Thundercats) for Septtro's birthday and he enjoyed him quite a bit. :) The Brain sits at my desk. Here are some pictures of fun we've had:

Lion-O

Mega Man

The Brain - up close and personal

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Jason Vorhees face off

Darth Vader meets another prime evil as he casually happens upon The Brain

Brainless Kids

Lately I've been reminiscing about when I was young and stupid. That's right - I was stupid. I didn't think I was at the time; but alas, I was. I know most would never believe that I was ever careless. I'm a pretty careful person. I always have been. After all, I didn't take a step on my own as a toddler until I was sure I wouldn't fall.

Anyway, I recently read an article from The Oprah Magazine (don't judge me - it was free and I wanted something to read) entitled Why Men Do Crazy Things. I personally think it should be renamed to Why kids Don't Get Brains Until Their mid-to-late 20s. It's true. Ok, maybe not for everybody. But I know for most it is. One part of the article just struck me as funny and I could have completely pictured myself doing the same thing growing up. The author and his friends were at one of their houses without permission by themselves. When the parents came home early, they told the visitors they would have to jump out of the 2-story window. Without asking why, the first friend jumped - and broke his arm. "Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. Let me repeat that: Already caught and already having seen him get hurt we all followed him out the window. The good news was that he was the only one who broke anything". Haha - I love it.

Okay so I've already come clean to my mom about the times when I could have gotten kicked out of college - granted, it wasn't all that hard to do, and one of those times I wasn't aware I could have gotten kicked out; which included but are not limited to:

1. having boys in my room more than once to watch movies, hang out, or fix a computer (I promise it was all innocent)

2. being the designated driver for my roommate (this one I wasn't aware would result in being kicked out)

3. swimming in an undesignated area without proper attire

I admit, I was young and foolish. At no point did I ever truly consider the consequences - lost scholarships, angry parents, college debt, extra job....I had no brain. I am a big believer in being responsible for your own actions but I really think until you're much older, you don't truly, completely, and fully think through the consequences. And yes, the things we did were wrong (against the rules, against the law...) but looking back, I guess maybe I thought I wouldn't get caught or that those consequences wouldn't really happen. Praise the Lord we didn't get what we deserved. :)

There was other stuff I did when I was younger - much thanks to Mark for those. ;) ... throwing berries at cars, pretending to beat up an annoying kid in front of traffic on purpose (and sometimes beating him up for real), using fireworks and other dangerous things for the opposite of what they were intended for, and the list could go on. After realizing what we did as kids and knowing how times have changed, I wonder to myself how I could ever let my child even walk up the street by themselves. But I'm sure I will. Looking back, I was brainless with my decisions but those memories sure are fun to think about.

Anyone care to share their brain-damage moments as a kid?

A Realistic Movie...well, kinda...

**FAIR WARNING - IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE IN THE FUTURE, STOP READING ***
So after all that's happened with my pregnancy, I've thought to myself lately, "Why in the world don't they show this in movies?...you know, the hard, sad situations." After all, before I became pregnant, I had no idea how unnerving the whole experience would be. I always thought it'd be this glorious, all-is-well, on cloud nine all the time experience. Not to say it's not glorious when you're pregnant - it's an absolute miracle, that's for sure. But I had no idea the fears that would go through my head. I'm just saying that it seems like nobody ever depicts the bad or sad experiences of many women that lose their baby or that have a baby who's deformed or mentally handicapped. But I guess that's what movies are for right? We already live in reality so who wants to pay to watch it?

Anyway, we had a subscription to Blockbuster online (which I recently canceled because I ran out of movies I wanted to see and during football season, we don't have much time to watch movies together). Before canceling, I got my last free in-store exchange and found "Then She Found Me". I'd never heard of it before but it looked like a good chick-flick and since Septtro doesn't like watching chick-flicks, I thought I'd watch it by myself. So I did. I watched it last evening while Septtro was outside doing yardwork. Little did I know how close it would hit home. In the movie, April (Helen Hunt - who, by the way, has aged quite a bit since "What Women Want") goes for an ultrasound after learning she is pregnant. The baby is way too big for her to be about 6 weeks and they perform the ultrasound on her tummy which they wouldn't do but anyway....they see the heartbeat and are thrilled. Then, on her 10-week apointment, they go back. The tech is very quiet. She notices something is wrong and the doctor delivers the bad news: they don't see a heartbeat anymore. Wow...ok...down to the very week when we found out the news - very similar situation. Initially, watching, I teared up a little but after Septtro came in from outside, I lost it.

I've decided it's okay for movies to be unrealistic. There you go, Hollywood - you have my permission now...go ahead with portraying pregnancy and the road there as pie in the sky. It's a lot more entertaining and a lot less sad. Be careful what you wish for right?

miss you

Dear Peanut,

There are so many things I have to say; so many things I wanted you to know. I miss you so much. I wish I could have met you face to face. I remember the first time I saw you on the screen - your tiny heart beating so fast. Your dad and I swore we both heard the heartbeat but the technician said it was too early. I still say I heard it.


I used to talk to you sometimes. Do you remember? I prayed for you, your children, your salvation. I'd unknowingly place my hand on my belly like you see most pregnant women do. I always wondered why they did that. I think it was just my way of trying to connect with you.


I miss being sick. I wish I was still sick. That'd mean that you would still be with me. I'd give ANYTHING to be sick and pregnant again.

People keep telling me God will give me another baby in His timing. I know that's true. I know everything true about His will, power, grace, sovereignty. But it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make me miss you any less. Sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes I just fall apart. Sometimes I just need to express what I'm thinking even if I can answer myself with the right biblical answer.


You know something? Your dad thought you were a girl. He told me. He really wants a boy but he would have loved to have a girl too. Would you have been a girl? We could only agree on one girl name. We wrote it on the whiteboard in our kitchen to see how we wanted to spell it. Your picture is still in the kitchen too. It's on the refrigerator. I touch the picture sometimes...it's the closest I can get now...my first baby - my lil peanut. We would have probably called you Peanut all your life. Your future brother or sister will have to acquire another nickname.


I have a carseat, stroller, and beach chair for you. A really nice friend at work told her mom about you and she generously gave us those things. Wasn't that nice? We washed the fabric on the carseat but still haven't figured out how to put it back on correctly. I kept picturing you in the stroller - going on walks with your Grammie and Suka. You would have really liked Suka. She's such a sweet dog. She would have loved you so much - protected you and given you great big hugs. I imagined you and her being such good friends - exploring the trails behind our house.


Did you know you were supposed to be born 3 days before your dad and my 4 year wedding anniversary? We normally go on a ski trip to the mountains for our anniversary. We couldn't go last year because your dad had to have shoulder surgery. We thought we weren't going to get to go this year - but that was just fine with us. What a great anniversary gift you would have been!


Sometimes on Sundays, when you would have been a week older inside me, I'd tell you happy birthday. This Sunday would have been 15 weeks. I'm going to be in a wedding next weekend in Charleston. I imagined how I would have had a baby bump by then. I'll miss you at the wedding.


Peanut, are you in heaven? I hope so. I'd love to see you again. Some people have told me they believe you are. Some say they're not sure. I'm not sure either. The Bible isn't exactly specific on that subject. I know one thing. God is in control. And I also know you're not in any pain and you'll never have to experience any pain or sorrow of life on Earth. I hope you didn't have to experience any pain inside me. I hope the Lord took you quickly. Do you ever wonder why you were taken away? I do. It's nothing you did wrong and it's nothing I did wrong. God is sovereign and He is good. Sometimes we don't understand what He does and may never understand the purpose of our circumstances. I've learned that through pain and sorrow - things you won't have to worry about.


Did you know the week after I found out I was pregnant with you, I went to play volleyball? I imagined teaching you about volleyball...girl or boy (it's okay - some of the best volleyball players are guys and they don't wear spandex). I would also have taught you about baseball and softball. Your Uncle Mark is a good baseball player - he could have been your pitching coach if you were a boy. Your dad could have taught you all about football and your Aunt Shawna could have taught you about basketball and soccer. Between all of us, all the basic sports would have been covered. I wonder which one you would have chosen to play. Maybe you wouldn't have liked sports...but don't tell your dad - he think that's impossible. ;) I didn't play volleyball after that week...I was too nervous to. I didn't even go for a run. Do you remember when I went running the week before I knew about you? I remember telling God I knew there could be a baby inside of me at that very moment - and you were! You should have seen your dad's face when I shoved the positive pregnancy test over to him - if I only had a camera. We were SO excited! We told your Uncle Stephen first because he was staying with us at the time. He clapped and clapped - he was so excited too! All of us were so excited.


There are times when I'm stitting at work or at home and I'm reminded of losing you. I cry and pray and cry some more. Most people have no clue I'm hurting or struggling. But God knows. He will always be there for me to turn to. Please know that you will never be forgotten. It was nice to talk to you - I will have to do this again. There's so much more to tell you. I miss you. I love you.

presents!

Septtro's birthday is coming up this month (the 28th). He mentioned he'd like some boots for camping, hunting (which he's yet to do but we'll see), and whatever else he can use them for. So, being obsessed with deals, I started looking online and was pleasantly surprised. I got him Columbia boots for $50 - size 16. That's right, size 16. It's always very hard to find his size, let alone his size at a decent price. So I was pretty proud of myself. :) They were already shipped to the house but I told him he has to wait until his birthday to wear them. I think they look pretty good.

work it, Septtro

I tried them on and his boot pretty much covered half of my lower leg.

So another present was a painting of Suka my mom asked one of her former students do. It turned out REALLY great. I really love it. It's just a little big for me to find a place for it - at least for now. So mom will be the foster owner for now. :) Thanks mom - very thoughtful of you!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack

So I thought I'd fill everybody in on several happenings in and around the life of Susan Sene.

1. Football season has begun!!!! Septtro is in his second year coaching at Woodruff High School and he loves it. I try to go to as many games as I can. He helps coach the offensive line and does a great job. The team is currently 1-1... most recently beating 3A powerhouse, Clinton...first time in 12 years! The o-line is a group of guys that have been hangin out and playing football together since they were little kids. They're really fun. In other, more disappointing news, the Clemson Tigers have begun the season with an embarassing loss to Alabama and a non-impressive win over the Citadel. It's yet to be seen if there really is such a thing as "thunder and lightning".


Look at that Wolverine o-line!! :)


2. I had to put another house insurance claim in to our provider. About 2 months ago, a tree in our front yard was struck by lightning. It killed our heating and air unit, our television in our bedroom, and all but one of our home telephones. We paid our deductible and replaced everything - only to find our home phone line constantly buzzes. If you call, you won't hear it - but I sure will...and I'll barely hear you. Please be advised, if you call my home phone, please don't talk in a low-toned voice or I'll have to resort to just saying "uh huh" and/or "yeah" after what you say. Below is a picture of the tree - you can see how the lightning carved the bark off. Septtro was sitting on the front porch when it happened and said the hair stood up aftewards from the electricity....scary!

If you look closely, you can see where the lightning grounded itself in the mulch (bottom-middle part of picture)

3. I feel like things are finally starting to get back to normal after losing my lil Peanut. Not that I don't constantly wish I were still pregnant or remember various dates I'd already planned in my head or have occasional break-downs for no apparent reason. I just don't feel like I'm walking around most of the time with this dumbfounded look on my face; like I'm still processing everything. I feel like things are starting to be funny again; it's okay to smile and laugh; I don't always feel like people are looking at me thinking, "poor, pitiful girl" (I know nobody probably was but you know what your mind does sometimes).

Some people have already said things that have hurt - people I know and people I don't. But I know that they had no intention of it hurting. There will be times when I'm reminded again and my emotions will overwhelm me. But I am so extremely thankful for the grace God gives. Praise Him that it's never-ending! How awful would it be to be scared of His grace and goodness running out? What if I exhaust it? What if I need it too much? What if He's tired of giving it? No. It will always be there and I'm so thankful for that. Praise Him for the time He gave me with Peanut and for the mere fact we were able to get pregnant. One verse God gave me that is currently on a post-it note on my computer monitor at work: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" - Romans 12:12 Wow, exactly what I need to read each and every day - praise God for his Word and the comfort it gives.

4. Suka is fine. We got the results of her surgery the Saturday after my last post. They freaked me out a little bit because we called to get the results over the phone and were told only the vet can disclose that and she'd tell us when Suka got her staples out. I figured it could only be bad news if they wouldn't tell us over the phone. But when we got into the office, the vet said she called and left a message - which we never got - and told us the growth was completely benign. Praise the Lord! That was most definitely some very great news in the midst of a very hard week. Below is a picture of her on our way to the vet the day of her sugery - it's almost like she knew where we were going. :)

5. I am currently very confused about how to proceed with getting pregnant again. My current doctor basically asked what I wanted and wrote me 3 prescriptions. I'm trying to make an appointment with another provider to get a second opinion but can't seem to talk to a real person. I want to do what's best for my health as well as the health of my future baby. Yes, I want to make a decision on what I feel is best but I'd like to have a little guidance. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and so I feel the path I take now may need to be different than others. I will say, at least this time, I have a prescription for a medicine I can take as soon as I find out I'm pregnant again to keep my progesterone levels up. I knew from the very beginning those were low a few months ago and even asked for something to help but was told, "If something is going to happen, there's nothing we can do". Not that I'm saying I feel that's the reason Peanut isn't here. But I would just feel better the more proactive I can be.

I have so many questions...should I take Clomid again? We got pregnant right away last time so that makes me really want to. But maybe I should just let my body do it naturally. But then I'm thinking I'm not sure if it can...and if it can, how long will that take? How long should I wait? My back, neck, and face are breaking out horribly - which is what happened months ago when I wasn't ovulating due to the PCOS. But maybe my pregnancy hormones are just getting back to normal. You see? Me = confused. :) At least I have a few weeks to get a second opinion. Please pray for me to make a wise decision and for the doctors to have wisdom as well.

healing in more ways than one

I had outpatient surgery Tuesday at around 3:00. It was schedule for 2:00 but there was an emergency with another lady and her triplets so we had to wait. I'm not good with hospitals and they didn't knock me out until after we were in the OR so of course I cried in front of the doctor and nurses. I'm sure they're used to that though. The procedure took about half an hour. Physically, I'm not too bad. Emotionally, I'm up and down and I know that will be the case for a while. Sometimes after waking up, I think for a second if all of this really happened; you know, when you first wake up and you've gotta get a grip on reality again.

I'm over at my parent's house. I needed a change of scenery - we both did. Septtro was able to take off the first week of school and be home with me so I'm very thankful for that. I haven't been back to work all week but plan to return Monday. I'm really dreading that. I know it will be hard to get back into the routine of things. After talking to my mom, I realized that it would probably be best if the people at work were told before I came back. I think that'd make it easier on me not to have to explain it to so many people (cause you know people are going to be curious why I've been out so long) plus it'd save others from saying things that may strike a nerve with my emotions without realizing it. I don't mind sharing what's happened with others, I just know it will be hard. And I hope I don't just come across to others as "poor pitiful me" - although I know it's ok for me to be sad. I honestly want God to get the glory He deserves and pray He'll give me the words to say.

I can't say I don't miss Peanut. Even though I know he/she wasn't really alive, at least Peanut was still a part of me. It was hard after waking up from surgery and realizing Peanut was really gone. That night was especially hard too. But I have to take every day as a new day - praise God for His goodness and the things He has blessed me with: a nice house, sweet dog, great friends and family, a loving and supportive husband and so much more.

Thanks for your prayers and sweet words. Please continue to pray for Septtro and I as we grapple with all of this. May God glorify himself through us and through this situation.

Peanut

I had my check-up appointment this afternoon at 2:30. At first, we weren't sure if Septtro should come (we'd really only want him to if they were going to do another ultrasound). Septtro had to take a class tonight for teachers and originally had it schedule for 12:00-3:00 but rescheduled it for 4:00-7:00 just in case he came to the appointment. This morning, they said they wouldn't do another ultrasound. I felt bad because Septtro had to reschedule and now go to the class late at night for no reason.

On the way to the appointment, I was talking to my best bud, Lor. She said I might want to ask the receptionist just to be sure. So I did. She said they would be doing an ultrasound. Well, sheesh. So I called Septtro and he hurried down. We let them know he had to be somewhere at 4:00 so they did everything as quickly as possible.

When the doctor was doing the ultrasound, he was very quiet. I saw a speck on the screen. You know how hard it is to tell what everything is on those things. He asked when my last ultrasound was and the nurse told him it was July 21st and they noted they saw the flicker of the heartbeat. Right before I asked him what the speck was, he stopped and said, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I don't see anything". WHAT?! That made no sense. Um, excuse me but we saw the flicker - that meant we were pretty much out of harm's way. He must not know what he's talking about - he's looking in the wrong place. He had to be wrong, misktaken, untrained in ultrasound technology.

He said he would send us to the other office where an ultrasound technician would perform another ultrasound to be sure - but he was pretty sure we needed to prepare for a miscarriage. When he left, I cried. Septtro kept reminding me that it's not up to us. He was the rock I needed at that moment.

We went to the other office. I almost didn't want to go in and hear it all over again. Sure enough, the technician said it was true. I then asked what the speck was. She said it was the baby but the baby stopped growing. I asked when - since we had just seen the heartbeat and everything seemed fine. She told me it appeared that right after the ultrasound when we saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. My uterus had still grown to the size it should be around 10 or 11 weeks (Peanut would have turned 10 weeks this past Sunday).

I figured if something was going to go wrong, something would happen to me physically that would make it obvious. Looking back, my nausea had started to subside but I figured that was just because I was getting close to the end of my first trimester. Otherwise, everything seemed fine - right on track.

When we finally got home, I was crying again and Suka came running up to me. She's usually very hyper when we come home but I really think she sensed my hurt. She tightened her grip with her two front paws around my neck (she gives us hugs) and gently placed her face on mine. She kept herself there until I moved her. Even after moving her and sitting down, she came back up to me and did the same thing. Mom was right, she should be a therapy dog. And what a sweet blessing from God to have her do that. Speaking of Suka, her sugery went well. We still don't know the results but should find out this week. Man, I feel like I can't take much more bad news but still, I know God won't give me more than I can handle.

Since we found out the news, we've tried calling people to let them know. I'm sorry if you're reading this and learning this for the first time. It's been quite an exhausting day. Just when I feel like I've cried out all the tears I possibly could, somehow more arise when I least expect it.

I know God is good. His grace is sufficient and His timing is perfect. Knowing those things, here's the good I've already found in the situation:

1. If I had this appointment last week, Septtro would have been at 2-a-days for football and I would have been by myself.

2. If I hadn't talked to Lorren on my way to the appointment, I'm not sure I would have thought to ask again about having an ultrasound and Septtro wouldn't have been with me.

3. If Septtro had been able to reschedule his class again this morning after I was told there would be no ultrasound, again, he wouldn't have been with me.

4. The gracious words Septtro had for me and his composure were such an encouragement and blessing.

5. God can use this for His good and I hope and pray I make myself completely available for His glory and honor.

The plan as of now is to have a DNC done as early as tomorrow. Basically, they will surgically clean out my uterus. I could wait for this to happen naturally but as large as my uterus is now, that could take several months. I could also take pills to help my body do it on its own but that's not always effective and can be painful. Septtro and I feel it'd be best for me to do the surgery so nothing will be dragged out. I will call the office tomorrow and most likely have it done if they have room for me (which they said they did when I spoke with them today - we just didn't schedule it until we could talk about it).

Please keep us in your prayers. I'm not sure when I'll have access to Internet again. Feel free to text me or call but please don't be offended if we don't answer the phone. If you're wondering whether or not it's ok to share this with others, please know it's fine.

To all of our friends and family, thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. Septtro and I are aware that we are not the only ones affected by this news but are encouraged that God is sovereign. This doesn't make sense right now and it might not ever make sense, but that's not what's important. We don't need to understand why but instead, just to give God the glory for what He has accomplished and what He will accomplish through this...even if that purpse is never revealed. My lil Peanut will always have a special place in my heart - and a special spot on our refrigerator.

I'll end (Yeah, I know...finally) with part of a song that's been in my heart and mind all day - and is my prayer for myself and Septtro...Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns:

"And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm"

Suka Update

Well our decision was kind of made for us. Late yesterday afternoon, I spoke with the nurse at the vet's office. She said Suka's normal doctor looked at the sample taken Friday and also thought it should be removed. I started asking about waiting a few weeks and the nurse said she didn't really see a point but that sometimes it would take a few weeks to get her scheduled for the procedure anyway so we could keep an eye on it up until then. So I was thinking I'd have to wait several weeks to even find out what this all was but then the nurse said she had a cancelation and Suka could go in this Wednesday - tomorrow. So that's the plan. I will take her in between 8:00a.m. and 8:30a.m. and she should be the first one of the day.

I'm obviously nervous about the whole thing. She already detests the vet's office and I know she'll be so frightened. But they assured me she'll be looked after very well and I know that's true. She should be able to come home tomorrow evening but it all depends on how quickly she wakes up from the anesthesia. I certainly hope she doesn't have to spend the night. She won't know what to do without her futon, duvet, and body pillow. :)

I'm doing better with my thoughts - knowing God is in control...of everything...even these things that many think to be so small and minor. I'm so thankful for the peace He gives.

My Suka Baby

This is my favorite picture of Suka. It looks like she's smiling and I love it.

Suka went to the vet Friday afternoon. We found a small growth on her back almost two weeks ago. The vet said it looked like a wart but tested it anyway. Turns out, there were some abnormalities. She recommended we have it removed. There's no way to know exactly what it is. It could be nothing. But I can't help but worry that it's something...you know, the "c" word. And if it is, can we afford to go down that road? She's only three years old. I didn't expect to have to even think about this kind of stuff at this point.

The vet said it can happen to any breed of dog at any time, and most of the time it's not anything serious. She said it had some characteristics of a growth young dogs get that will, most of the time, go away on their own. But because we don't know for sure, she recommended we get it removed - and then sent off for testing to determine exactly what it is. Although (and here's the tough part), she said she wouldn't feel uncomfortable waiting a few weeks to see what happened. So Septtro and I are left with a decision to make. Do we go ahead and have it removed even though it's nothing or do we wait a few weeks? My question is, if we wait a few weeks and nothing has changed, then what? Do we still get it removed? If so, I'd rather just do it now. I've called the vet to get some more questions answered and Septtro and I will talk about it more tonight.

I know some people might say, "She's just a dog" but this truly is my baby. Even though I've got lil Peanut, I can't imagine treating Suka any differently once the baby is here. She truly is part of the family. I love her cuddles and the way she always wants to please us. And I love how she sits at the side of the bed and whimpers to ask if she can come up, and how she begs us not to give her a bath when he collar gets taken off.

As silly as it may sound, this is yet another thing I will have to trust God about. I've heard people say before that God doesn't care about animals. When somebody in school would request prayer for their animal, some would think that was the most ridiculous thing ever. I believe God does care about His creation, including animals. But more importantly, I think He cares about how I react in this situation. He can use anything to help refine His image in my life. I'm hoping and praying that Suka will be ok. I know I always think the worst. Again, this could be nothing. But no matter what, I know God is good. I can't worry about what might be - I just need to remember what I know to be true.

Fun Summer Pictures

Suka is a good sport...she's growing up so fast. This was an article of clothing I decided to give to Goodwill. But before doing so, we thought we'd have a little fun.

Septtro and I took a small vacation to Atlanta, Georgia at the end of June. We visited the Georgia Aquarium (not that impressive), the New World of Coca-Cola, and Stone Mountain. This is at the New World of Coca Cola in Atlanta. I realized I will stick to the flavors of Coca Cola that I know and love - pretty much all of the international flavors are disgusting.

I find beluga whales quite fascinating.

This was at the top of Stone Mountain. You could see downtown Atlanta from the top - it's quite a hike!

This picture makes me so proud! :) Septtro played in a volleyball tournament in Columbia last weekend - one I normally play in as well but sat out due to lil Peanut. Anyway, his team didn't win but he played very well!