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Monday, April 13, 2015

Yes, I Want a Son

Ok so it's been a while.  Part of the reason is our laptop has been broken and I just can't type out blogs on my phone.  :)

Anyway, so I haven't said it here yet but I'm expecting our fourth baby in July.
Septtro came up with this clever word puzzle to announce the pregnancy
The Lord has taken me on quite a journey throughout this pregnancy (He tends to like to use my pregnancies to increase my trust and reliance on Him).  

I've always wanted a son.  Even when I babysat as a teenager, I preferred the games outside and ball throwing to Barbies and painting nails.  I'm not a very girly person myself and the initial thought of having my first girl was a bit scary.  But I've gotten quite accustomed to the girly world and quite like it now. 
my beautiful little ballerinas

And yet, my heart still longs to experience having a son, too - to become a part of that world as well.  That relationship of a mother and son everybody talks about just as highly as a father and daughter; it's just special.  You can't describe it.  And I just figured I'd get to experience both worlds by now.  

Even before my third girl, Logann, was born, people would ask if we are hoping for a boy.  I would tell them I didn't care.  But deep down, I did have a desire for a son.  I was afraid to tell anybody I did want a boy out of fear it would make me sound like I didn't value my girls as much.  That's absolutely not the case.  I feel if I had a house full of boys, I would want to experience what life would be like with a daughter as well.  This desire I had - for a son, to experience both gender worlds - it was a good desire, one I felt was from the Lord in fact, and so I did not realize it when I began to make it an idol of mine.

After Logann was born, people commented even more about us having a boy.

"Oh are you gonna try for a boy next time?" 
"Your poor husband" 
"Wow - just wait until they become teenagers!!"

I know they didn't mean for their comments to upset me, but because my heart had made having a son an idol of mine, I took even more offense to what they said.  Isn't that usually the case anyway though?  We take the most offense when there's an underlying heart issue of our own??

So when I found out we were expecting again - and even before then - I prayed almost daily that God would grant us a son.  But I also prayed that if He gave us another daughter, that He would prepare my heart to accept His plan.  Because I knew that He knew better than me.  And His plan is better than my plan.  

The day we went for our ultrasound, we actually didn't tell anybody where we were going.  I wanted my husband and I to find out together - just the two of us.  There would be no comments or pressure from others to react a certain way.  We decided not to find out during the sonogram, but had the technician write it down for us.  We took the envelope to a nearby grocery store and asked if they could fill two cupcakes with the appropriate colored icing.  

And the sweetest thing happened in my heart...I looked at the picture of my baby's face before we found out the gender - this sweet gift of life the Lord had given to us - and I fell in love.  Boy or girl, I didn't care.  I truly didn't.  Of course, the desire was still there, but God was starting to work in my heart.  

Septtro bit into the cupcake as we sat there in our van to reveal we are expecting our fourth girl.  I must say, I wasn't disappointed.  God had answered my prayer!  He had prepared my heart to receive this news!!
Just look at that sweet little baby! What a precious gift!!!!!
Afterwards, I sent a dear friend of mine a text to tell her the news.  She had four boys in a row and really desired to have a daughter - opposite situation of me.  She had understood my emotions and feelings before and I knew she would understand again.  Her words deeply encouraged my heart and expressed feelings I had that I couldn't express and ones I didn't feel most people would be able to relate to:
"God knows what he's doing, we can trust Him! But sadness is okay too. I remember those days leading up to my 4th son.  It wasn't him that I struggled with, but the way my life would look (yes! this explained my heart exactly).  I still would walk down the aisle of girl clothes and wonder if I'd ever experience the relationship with a daughter. But God is faithful to heal us and change our hearts towards gratitude in the rich blessings He pours out to us.  He is so good to even give us children. It's an honor and privilege that we fail to see often times.  He will change your heart, heal you or give you the desire you have in His time.  Our spiritual service of worship is daily presenting ourselves on His altar, regardless of our will or desires."
"Be very confident in what God has given you and see it as a calling.  That's what I had to do.  I started feeling honored that God saw me worthy of raising men. That was a huge deal! Think of the impact you'll have on these four beautiful women.  You'll teach them biblical womanhood and it is lacking majorly in the Body of Christ! Just think how God will use you in their lives and all the things we go through as'll be there for them! Keep the eternal perspective. Pray for it because that's the only way we can put the value of what people say or do in its proper place." 
And now, I can honestly say that I would be absolutely fine if God saw fit to give us all girls.  And I'm over the moon excited to welcome another daughter into our family!!  Of course, the desire to have a son is still there.  But I believe it's no longer my idol.  Now, I'm just grateful He has entrusted me with these four precious lives. And when people make comments about our house full of girls, I'm happy to explain how incredibly grateful I am.

Yes, I am nervous about raising four girls.  Yes, I'm nervous about the tween/teenage years. Yes, I'm absolutely terrified I've already ruined opportunities to cultivate an open and honest relationship between my girls and myself.  But by His grace....

Oh, and the Lord did bless my friend with a daughter - her fifth.  :)  She mentioned how humbled she was because she was in a place of contentment before they knew the gender. Maybe one day I'll be in the same situation.  Maybe not.  Maybe one day I'll have a house full of grandsons. Maybe not.  But I do know I am so very thankful for each one of my girls!!!  They are all such precious gifts!!!  I hope they know that.  I hope they know and will always know how cherished they are!

Now, if we could only agree on a name....