Yesterday afternoon, I watched Kill Bill Volume 2. I must say, I actually liked both of the Kill Bill movies. But then last night, I had a bad dream. You know, people hunting me down - trying to kill me...all that stuff. Then when I woke up to use the restroom early this morning, I wanted Ladybug to move - that would help me forget about my bad dream. She apparently didn't want to. She was sleeping soundly. I got worried but felt a small roll, confessed my worry, asked for peace and fell back asleep.
I had an appointment this morning at 8:45. It was a routine check-up. When I was getting ready, Ladybug still wasn't moving very much. She was mellow. She's had mellow mornings before. But because of the bad dream I had, I was already in a worrisome state. I nudged my belly but she didn't seem to wanna move a whole lot.
On the way to the appointment, I confessed my worry again. Ladybug rolled a few times. But that wasn't good enough for me. I wanted her to REALLY make her presence known. C'mon Ladybug - can't you punch my bladder or kick me in the ribs or something?
By the time Septtro and I arrived at my appointment, I had gotten myself all worked up. I imagined seeing the same expression on the doctor's face I saw just over a year ago. I imagined how I would react - how Septtro would have to carry me out of the office due to my utter despair. I imagined how hard it would be to see anything in her room. I imagined the worst.
They checked my weight - no weight gain...I haven't had much of an appetite lately. They checked my blood pressure - elevated. I wasn't surprised. I could feel my anxiety from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. They asked me to go in a room and lie of my left side and they would check my blood pressure again. The nurse returned soon after and checked again - normal this time. Once I saw the nurse practioner, she checked for Ladybug's heartbeat - bum bump, bum bump....going strong. As she palpated my belly, she said I was having a contraction - interesting.
I explained how I'd had a bad dream and had gotten myself all worked up before coming in to my appointment. She said just to put my mind (and theirs too, I'm sure) at ease, they would do a stress test for Ladybug - measure her heart rate as she moved around. So I got strapped to a monitor for her heartrate and one to measure any contractions I may have. After 20 minutes, she ripped the print out and said she'd be back. The office was busy so I was left in there for almost another 20 minutes. During this time, I realized that what I thought was Ladybug pushing herself into my ribs was really a contraction - something I've actually been feeling for several weeks. I guess I always thought Braxton Hicks would be over my entire belly.
After the nurse finally returned again, she said the print out looked good - everything looked just fine. But they also wanted to have me get some blood drawn to rule out any hypertension issues - just to be sure my elevated blood pressure really was because I was all anxious and not because of anything else. By the way, my swelling did wonderfully over the weekend as I made sure to elevate my feet as much as possible.
By the time I left, it was almost 11:00. Apparently everybody at work got really worried - even though I promise I let people know about my appointment.
So everything is fine. They're going to let me know if I need to come in before this coming Tuesday based on my blood test results. Oh, but I did test positive for Group B Strep - which I dreamed about last night too. I was told all that means is that I'll need antibiotics during delivery. But then I had to go lookin on the Internet...what a doofus I am. I guess it's something some women just carry - and I'm one of them. Hip hip....eehhhhhh.
Then there's me making myself feel like I have to save the world before Ladybug gets here - on top of barely being able to walk around because my feet hurt so bad. I mean, honestly, will it REALLY matter if my ironing board isn't completed before she arrives? Or if I don't get all my pictures on my laptop organized? No...and I know that. I just need to start acting like I know that.
So, no more violet movies - no matter how early in the day I may watch them. I don't need any more bad thoughts creeping in. I need to relax - take one day at a time - and trust God...oh, trusting in God - so easy to say yet so hard to actually do. And I hear it gets harder once the baby is actually here....Lord help me. Living in fear is definitely not fun.
That time I stopped praying...
3 months ago