Thursday, September 25, 2008
Anyway, I recently read an article from The Oprah Magazine (don't judge me - it was free and I wanted something to read) entitled Why Men Do Crazy Things. I personally think it should be renamed to Why kids Don't Get Brains Until Their mid-to-late 20s. It's true. Ok, maybe not for everybody. But I know for most it is. One part of the article just struck me as funny and I could have completely pictured myself doing the same thing growing up. The author and his friends were at one of their houses without permission by themselves. When the parents came home early, they told the visitors they would have to jump out of the 2-story window. Without asking why, the first friend jumped - and broke his arm. "Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. Let me repeat that: Already caught and already having seen him get hurt we all followed him out the window. The good news was that he was the only one who broke anything". Haha - I love it.
Okay so I've already come clean to my mom about the times when I could have gotten kicked out of college - granted, it wasn't all that hard to do, and one of those times I wasn't aware I could have gotten kicked out; which included but are not limited to:
1. having boys in my room more than once to watch movies, hang out, or fix a computer (I promise it was all innocent)
2. being the designated driver for my roommate (this one I wasn't aware would result in being kicked out)
3. swimming in an undesignated area without proper attire
I admit, I was young and foolish. At no point did I ever truly consider the consequences - lost scholarships, angry parents, college debt, extra job....I had no brain. I am a big believer in being responsible for your own actions but I really think until you're much older, you don't truly, completely, and fully think through the consequences. And yes, the things we did were wrong (against the rules, against the law...) but looking back, I guess maybe I thought I wouldn't get caught or that those consequences wouldn't really happen. Praise the Lord we didn't get what we deserved. :)
There was other stuff I did when I was younger - much thanks to Mark for those. ;) ... throwing berries at cars, pretending to beat up an annoying kid in front of traffic on purpose (and sometimes beating him up for real), using fireworks and other dangerous things for the opposite of what they were intended for, and the list could go on. After realizing what we did as kids and knowing how times have changed, I wonder to myself how I could ever let my child even walk up the street by themselves. But I'm sure I will. Looking back, I was brainless with my decisions but those memories sure are fun to think about.
Anyone care to share their brain-damage moments as a kid?
Monday, September 22, 2008
So after all that's happened with my pregnancy, I've thought to myself lately, "Why in the world don't they show this in movies?...you know, the hard, sad situations." After all, before I became pregnant, I had no idea how unnerving the whole experience would be. I always thought it'd be this glorious, all-is-well, on cloud nine all the time experience. Not to say it's not glorious when you're pregnant - it's an absolute miracle, that's for sure. But I had no idea the fears that would go through my head. I'm just saying that it seems like nobody ever depicts the bad or sad experiences of many women that lose their baby or that have a baby who's deformed or mentally handicapped. But I guess that's what movies are for right? We already live in reality so who wants to pay to watch it?
Anyway, we had a subscription to Blockbuster online (which I recently canceled because I ran out of movies I wanted to see and during football season, we don't have much time to watch movies together). Before canceling, I got my last free in-store exchange and found "Then She Found Me". I'd never heard of it before but it looked like a good chick-flick and since Septtro doesn't like watching chick-flicks, I thought I'd watch it by myself. So I did. I watched it last evening while Septtro was outside doing yardwork. Little did I know how close it would hit home. In the movie, April (Helen Hunt - who, by the way, has aged quite a bit since "What Women Want") goes for an ultrasound after learning she is pregnant. The baby is way too big for her to be about 6 weeks and they perform the ultrasound on her tummy which they wouldn't do but anyway....they see the heartbeat and are thrilled. Then, on her 10-week apointment, they go back. The tech is very quiet. She notices something is wrong and the doctor delivers the bad news: they don't see a heartbeat anymore. Wow...ok...down to the very week when we found out the news - very similar situation. Initially, watching, I teared up a little but after Septtro came in from outside, I lost it.
I've decided it's okay for movies to be unrealistic. There you go, Hollywood - you have my permission now...go ahead with portraying pregnancy and the road there as pie in the sky. It's a lot more entertaining and a lot less sad. Be careful what you wish for right?
Friday, September 19, 2008
There are so many things I have to say; so many things I wanted you to know. I miss you so much. I wish I could have met you face to face. I remember the first time I saw you on the screen - your tiny heart beating so fast. Your dad and I swore we both heard the heartbeat but the technician said it was too early. I still say I heard it.
I used to talk to you sometimes. Do you remember? I prayed for you, your children, your salvation. I'd unknowingly place my hand on my belly like you see most pregnant women do. I always wondered why they did that. I think it was just my way of trying to connect with you.
I miss being sick. I wish I was still sick. That'd mean that you would still be with me. I'd give ANYTHING to be sick and pregnant again.
People keep telling me God will give me another baby in His timing. I know that's true. I know everything true about His will, power, grace, sovereignty. But it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make me miss you any less. Sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes I just fall apart. Sometimes I just need to express what I'm thinking even if I can answer myself with the right biblical answer.
You know something? Your dad thought you were a girl. He told me. He really wants a boy but he would have loved to have a girl too. Would you have been a girl? We could only agree on one girl name. We wrote it on the whiteboard in our kitchen to see how we wanted to spell it. Your picture is still in the kitchen too. It's on the refrigerator. I touch the picture sometimes...it's the closest I can get now...my first baby - my lil peanut. We would have probably called you Peanut all your life. Your future brother or sister will have to acquire another nickname.
I have a carseat, stroller, and beach chair for you. A really nice friend at work told her mom about you and she generously gave us those things. Wasn't that nice? We washed the fabric on the carseat but still haven't figured out how to put it back on correctly. I kept picturing you in the stroller - going on walks with your Grammie and Suka. You would have really liked Suka. She's such a sweet dog. She would have loved you so much - protected you and given you great big hugs. I imagined you and her being such good friends - exploring the trails behind our house.
Did you know you were supposed to be born 3 days before your dad and my 4 year wedding anniversary? We normally go on a ski trip to the mountains for our anniversary. We couldn't go last year because your dad had to have shoulder surgery. We thought we weren't going to get to go this year - but that was just fine with us. What a great anniversary gift you would have been!
Sometimes on Sundays, when you would have been a week older inside me, I'd tell you happy birthday. This Sunday would have been 15 weeks. I'm going to be in a wedding next weekend in Charleston. I imagined how I would have had a baby bump by then. I'll miss you at the wedding.
Peanut, are you in heaven? I hope so. I'd love to see you again. Some people have told me they believe you are. Some say they're not sure. I'm not sure either. The Bible isn't exactly specific on that subject. I know one thing. God is in control. And I also know you're not in any pain and you'll never have to experience any pain or sorrow of life on Earth. I hope you didn't have to experience any pain inside me. I hope the Lord took you quickly. Do you ever wonder why you were taken away? I do. It's nothing you did wrong and it's nothing I did wrong. God is sovereign and He is good. Sometimes we don't understand what He does and may never understand the purpose of our circumstances. I've learned that through pain and sorrow - things you won't have to worry about.
Did you know the week after I found out I was pregnant with you, I went to play volleyball? I imagined teaching you about volleyball...girl or boy (it's okay - some of the best volleyball players are guys and they don't wear spandex). I would also have taught you about baseball and softball. Your Uncle Mark is a good baseball player - he could have been your pitching coach if you were a boy. Your dad could have taught you all about football and your Aunt Shawna could have taught you about basketball and soccer. Between all of us, all the basic sports would have been covered. I wonder which one you would have chosen to play. Maybe you wouldn't have liked sports...but don't tell your dad - he think that's impossible. ;) I didn't play volleyball after that week...I was too nervous to. I didn't even go for a run. Do you remember when I went running the week before I knew about you? I remember telling God I knew there could be a baby inside of me at that very moment - and you were! You should have seen your dad's face when I shoved the positive pregnancy test over to him - if I only had a camera. We were SO excited! We told your Uncle Stephen first because he was staying with us at the time. He clapped and clapped - he was so excited too! All of us were so excited.
There are times when I'm stitting at work or at home and I'm reminded of losing you. I cry and pray and cry some more. Most people have no clue I'm hurting or struggling. But God knows. He will always be there for me to turn to. Please know that you will never be forgotten. It was nice to talk to you - I will have to do this again. There's so much more to tell you. I miss you. I love you.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
1. Football season has begun!!!! Septtro is in his second year coaching at Woodruff High School and he loves it. I try to go to as many games as I can. He helps coach the offensive line and does a great job. The team is currently 1-1... most recently beating 3A powerhouse, Clinton...first time in 12 years! The o-line is a group of guys that have been hangin out and playing football together since they were little kids. They're really fun. In other, more disappointing news, the Clemson Tigers have begun the season with an embarassing loss to Alabama and a non-impressive win over the Citadel. It's yet to be seen if there really is such a thing as "thunder and lightning".
Look at that Wolverine o-line!! :)
2. I had to put another house insurance claim in to our provider. About 2 months ago, a tree in our front yard was struck by lightning. It killed our heating and air unit, our television in our bedroom, and all but one of our home telephones. We paid our deductible and replaced everything - only to find our home phone line constantly buzzes. If you call, you won't hear it - but I sure will...and I'll barely hear you. Please be advised, if you call my home phone, please don't talk in a low-toned voice or I'll have to resort to just saying "uh huh" and/or "yeah" after what you say. Below is a picture of the tree - you can see how the lightning carved the bark off. Septtro was sitting on the front porch when it happened and said the hair stood up aftewards from the electricity....scary!
If you look closely, you can see where the lightning grounded itself in the mulch (bottom-middle part of picture)
3. I feel like things are finally starting to get back to normal after losing my lil Peanut. Not that I don't constantly wish I were still pregnant or remember various dates I'd already planned in my head or have occasional break-downs for no apparent reason. I just don't feel like I'm walking around most of the time with this dumbfounded look on my face; like I'm still processing everything. I feel like things are starting to be funny again; it's okay to smile and laugh; I don't always feel like people are looking at me thinking, "poor, pitiful girl" (I know nobody probably was but you know what your mind does sometimes).
Some people have already said things that have hurt - people I know and people I don't. But I know that they had no intention of it hurting. There will be times when I'm reminded again and my emotions will overwhelm me. But I am so extremely thankful for the grace God gives. Praise Him that it's never-ending! How awful would it be to be scared of His grace and goodness running out? What if I exhaust it? What if I need it too much? What if He's tired of giving it? No. It will always be there and I'm so thankful for that. Praise Him for the time He gave me with Peanut and for the mere fact we were able to get pregnant. One verse God gave me that is currently on a post-it note on my computer monitor at work: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" - Romans 12:12 Wow, exactly what I need to read each and every day - praise God for his Word and the comfort it gives.
4. Suka is fine. We got the results of her surgery the Saturday after my last post. They freaked me out a little bit because we called to get the results over the phone and were told only the vet can disclose that and she'd tell us when Suka got her staples out. I figured it could only be bad news if they wouldn't tell us over the phone. But when we got into the office, the vet said she called and left a message - which we never got - and told us the growth was completely benign. Praise the Lord! That was most definitely some very great news in the midst of a very hard week. Below is a picture of her on our way to the vet the day of her sugery - it's almost like she knew where we were going. :)
5. I am currently very confused about how to proceed with getting pregnant again. My current doctor basically asked what I wanted and wrote me 3 prescriptions. I'm trying to make an appointment with another provider to get a second opinion but can't seem to talk to a real person. I want to do what's best for my health as well as the health of my future baby. Yes, I want to make a decision on what I feel is best but I'd like to have a little guidance. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and so I feel the path I take now may need to be different than others. I will say, at least this time, I have a prescription for a medicine I can take as soon as I find out I'm pregnant again to keep my progesterone levels up. I knew from the very beginning those were low a few months ago and even asked for something to help but was told, "If something is going to happen, there's nothing we can do". Not that I'm saying I feel that's the reason Peanut isn't here. But I would just feel better the more proactive I can be.
I have so many questions...should I take Clomid again? We got pregnant right away last time so that makes me really want to. But maybe I should just let my body do it naturally. But then I'm thinking I'm not sure if it can...and if it can, how long will that take? How long should I wait? My back, neck, and face are breaking out horribly - which is what happened months ago when I wasn't ovulating due to the PCOS. But maybe my pregnancy hormones are just getting back to normal. You see? Me = confused. :) At least I have a few weeks to get a second opinion. Please pray for me to make a wise decision and for the doctors to have wisdom as well.