I have been putting off blogging about this. I didn't wanna take myself back and open up thoughts and feelings I've been trying so hard to suppress and forget about. But sometimes, writing can help heal. So that's what I'm hoping for.
First, let me say that Rilynn is the joy of my heart. I never thought in a gazillion years I could have the love and connection that I do with my daughter. But it didn't start out that way. And I honestly believe it's because of the birth experience I had. I've blogged about my experience before here.
I know there are women who don't have c-sections who still don't feel connected and bonded with their baby immediately. But is it normal - and I'm being totally honest here - to look at your newborn baby girl and be angry? Of course I wasn't angry at her, but looking at her brought back my horrible birth experience. Even now, passing by that hospital brings back this hit-in-the-gut feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes, she was and has been very healthy. And I'm very thankful for that. But contrary to what some may feel or believe, that's not all that matters. And I don't expect women who've never experienced what I have to understand that - similar to not expecting women who've never lost a baby to understand what that's like.
I'm well aware that the Lord allowed this situation to happen for a reason; that He's placed this in my life to bring more glory and honor to Him. But I'm still working through it in my mind and heart. I STILL feel cheated. Over a year later, and I haven't "gotten over it".
When I was younger, I used to have a "No Fear" shirt that said, "There's nothing more painful than regret". Boy...does that ever ring true. I regret I didn't do things differently for my first birth. But I can't go back and change anything. And now, as my husband and I desire to add to our family, I find myself determined to make the next pregnancy completely different.
But, because of my previous section, I am finding it extremely difficult to do so. I had NO idea there were laws against how a woman could choose to deliver her baby! Seriously, this country has no problem allowing mothers to kill their unborn babies, but when I desire to choose what I believe the safest option (VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean) for myself as well as my baby, it's illegal?! You've GOT to be kidding me!
I've been researching options for close to two months now. I want to be prepared before I become pregnant again. I want to know where to go. I certainly won't be returning to my previous OB. I may even consider going to Columbia or Asheville - I'm still collecting information for closer options. But I have yet to find somewhere locally where I feel comfortable that they would HELP me with a VBAC - not just "allow me to try". I need to be surrounded by people I trust and who trust in my body's ability. I honestly think it's VERY sad that there aren't more options and support in my area for women in my position.
I want no intervention unless it's an absolute emergency. I want to be able to allow my body to do what it was designed to do. I really don't even want to be at a hospital. But because of laws here, that's not even an option for me. Oh how I wish I could have my next baby at home!!
So we'll see. I'll continue researching. I know God's desire is for me to look to Him. I, by no means, want this pursuit of a natural VBAC to become a god in my life. For those reading this that may think my desire is foolish or unsafe, please understand I have done EXTENSIVE research: a complete rupture occurs in much less than 1% of women attempting a VBAC and a VBAC is actually, in most cases, considered safer than a repeat elective cesarean. Uterine rupture can also occur in women with no previous cesarean with the use of pitocin. I could go on and on. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists just recently stated their (new and improved - in my opinion) belief towards women trying for a VBAC here. I feel confident that trying for a VBAC is safe for me and my future baby.
Just to be clear, I don't look down on anyone or feel it's wrong or irresponsible to choose cesarean. I'm just stating how I feel about my next pregnancy. I'm not anti-doctor. I'm just a little more pro-natural. :) I don't know if God will allow me to have a successful VBAC with my next baby. I hope so. But if not, I know He is still good and His plan is still perfect.
That time I stopped praying...
2 months ago