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Monday, March 28, 2016

In Case You Were Wondering

Before we had kids, and even after, people would ask me how many kids I wanted.  At first, I would always reply "Four.  I think four would be about my limit".  

And here I am.  I have four beautiful daughters.


But I don't really feel four is "my limit".  Although I really do think I understand more of what people mean when they say that.  It's not like I couldn't handle having more.  We do what we gotta do right?  :)  But each family has to decide what they believe is the wisest thing to do - financially, physically, emotionally.  And that looks differently for everybody.

I'm not trying to hint or divulge any  "planning" or "not planning" for future babies because, quite honestly, that's none of anybody's business.  I'm just trying to say that I've been 100 percent sure - nearly immediately - after having my first three girls that I wanted another baby.  But I'm still not there this time.  In fact, shortly after my fourth was born, I told my husband "I don't think I wanna do that again".  I remember him replying "Well you've never said that before".  I thought, at first, it may have been because her birth was so fast and furious.  But I find myself, throughout my days, having that same thought. I don't think I wanna do this again.

I've had moms encourage me by saying "This is just a season".  It's true. But there are times when I feel like I'm caught in scenes of Groundhog Day.  I just feel like I've been in the same season for seven years.  I've been sharing my body nonstop (pregnant and/or nursing) for seven years.  And in the grand scheme of things, I realize that's really not that long. But that's all I've ever known so far, as a mother.  

*Disclaimer: Please don't misunderstand me honestly navigating my feelings for complaining.  I absolutely understand how incredibly blessed I am to have my girls and would never trade them for anything.*  

But what would it be like to end one season and begin another?  I'm not sure - I haven't been there yet.  And I guess I've never really been curious about it until now.  It's like I'm peeking over the wall of newborns and preschoolers - wondering what that other side (season of life) is like.  I've just never cared to peek before.

It's not that I wouldn't welcome another baby.  But I also think I can truly say that I would also be perfectly content if we only had our four girls.  This is new territory for me.  I'm not saying "I'd like to be done" but I'm not saying "I'd like to have more" either.  

Ultimately, it's really not my decision.  I know this.  People make plans all the time, only to find the Lord decides differently.  I'm ok with whatever He decides.  But I really don't have a strong desire one way or the other this time.  And that's just new to me.  So I guess, as always, time will tell.  :)