100th Post - remembering my Peanut

So I didn't plan it this way but this is my 100th post. Today also marks a year since we found out our Peanut was gone. I actually started my blog because of Peanut. So I guess it's only fitting the 100th post is about my sweet baby.

August 18th is actually the date we found out, but it was a Monday - at my routine check-up when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Here is the post from that afternoon.

I can't really explain the emotions I've already gone through this morning. Some people may think I should be "over" my loss by now, especially now that God has given me another sweet gift in my Ladybug. But I don't think I'll ever get over losing my Peanut. That was a part of me I'll never get back. I remember when I woke up from the surgery the next day...that moment was so difficult. I knew my precious baby was already gone but for us to be officially separated and knowing Peanut was forever gone was very hard. I remember feeling guilty for not knowing for an entire month that my baby was no longer living. I should have known - where was my motherly instinct?

While I'm extremely grateful for my Ladybug, no baby can ever replace my Peanut. I will forever miss that baby. But God has taught me so much in this last year. What I've learned is that I can't plan out my life and then be angry when things don't turn out how I thought they should. I've learned that trusting God is A LOT easier said than done. And I've learned that many people around me are hurting in various ways and I need to be more sensitive to how I treat them. I haven't perfected what I've learned - I'm still learning and trying to do better. Praise God for His grace.

I wanna share a prayer that my sweet husband texted me earlier this year (he said I could) - January 20th. It was the day I took my first pregnancy test after losing Peanut - and it was negative.

"Dear God. I lift my wife in prayer and ask that you'd continue to give her strength and patients...continue to heal her body and strengthen her mind and spirit. Help me to be a better listener for her needs and a comforter in times of despare. Thank you for your love and many blessings. In Your name I pray Amen." (I love the misspellings) :)

Exactly a week later, I took another pregnancy test - and it was positive. And now I have my Ladybug. It's just a reminder to me that no matter my circumstances, God knows best and I can't see the bigger picture.

For any of you who read my blog who have lost a baby, I prayed for you this morning. I pray for you often. And if you haven't already been blessed with another baby, I pray that will happen soon; but in the meantime, that you will find God's grace and peace in your life.

Dear Peanut,
I miss you so much! When I feel your sister moving around inside of me, it makes me smile. And it makes me wonder - would you have liked to burrow in my right side too? Would you have gotten hiccups at least twice a day...or more...or less? Would you play games with Daddy when he tried to feel you move? Were you a boy or girl? I'll never know. But I know I'll see you again someday.
Mommy loves you!