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Monday, August 17, 2009

100th Post - remembering my Peanut

So I didn't plan it this way but this is my 100th post. Today also marks a year since we found out our Peanut was gone. I actually started my blog because of Peanut. So I guess it's only fitting the 100th post is about my sweet baby.

August 18th is actually the date we found out, but it was a Monday - at my routine check-up when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Here is the post from that afternoon.

I can't really explain the emotions I've already gone through this morning. Some people may think I should be "over" my loss by now, especially now that God has given me another sweet gift in my Ladybug. But I don't think I'll ever get over losing my Peanut. That was a part of me I'll never get back. I remember when I woke up from the surgery the next day...that moment was so difficult. I knew my precious baby was already gone but for us to be officially separated and knowing Peanut was forever gone was very hard. I remember feeling guilty for not knowing for an entire month that my baby was no longer living. I should have known - where was my motherly instinct?

While I'm extremely grateful for my Ladybug, no baby can ever replace my Peanut. I will forever miss that baby. But God has taught me so much in this last year. What I've learned is that I can't plan out my life and then be angry when things don't turn out how I thought they should. I've learned that trusting God is A LOT easier said than done. And I've learned that many people around me are hurting in various ways and I need to be more sensitive to how I treat them. I haven't perfected what I've learned - I'm still learning and trying to do better. Praise God for His grace.

I wanna share a prayer that my sweet husband texted me earlier this year (he said I could) - January 20th. It was the day I took my first pregnancy test after losing Peanut - and it was negative.

"Dear God. I lift my wife in prayer and ask that you'd continue to give her strength and patients...continue to heal her body and strengthen her mind and spirit. Help me to be a better listener for her needs and a comforter in times of despare. Thank you for your love and many blessings. In Your name I pray Amen." (I love the misspellings) :)

Exactly a week later, I took another pregnancy test - and it was positive. And now I have my Ladybug. It's just a reminder to me that no matter my circumstances, God knows best and I can't see the bigger picture.

For any of you who read my blog who have lost a baby, I prayed for you this morning. I pray for you often. And if you haven't already been blessed with another baby, I pray that will happen soon; but in the meantime, that you will find God's grace and peace in your life.

Dear Peanut,
I miss you so much! When I feel your sister moving around inside of me, it makes me smile. And it makes me wonder - would you have liked to burrow in my right side too? Would you have gotten hiccups at least twice a day...or more...or less? Would you play games with Daddy when he tried to feel you move? Were you a boy or girl? I'll never know. But I know I'll see you again someday.
Mommy loves you!


Sara said...

oh, susan... seeing your heart so clearly like this is so beautiful. i can't imagine that you could (or should) completely get over Peanut. that's still your child.

thanks for sharing this :)

Joy said...

Awwwww, such a sweet post! I know how you feel and it's such a bittersweet feeling to be pregnant with one live child while you dream of the what-ifs of another child.

When I had Abigail right after a miscarriage I couldn't imagine having any other child. If I hadn't lost that baby, I would not have her at all. So that was comforting because she is SUCH a blessing and joy. The wounds do heal but there is always a scar and reminder.

Jess said...

AWE, such a sweet post, and I love Septro's prayer, it was so sweet and loving! Your family is in my prayers and thank you for praying for us.

I went to the site and I was curious about the prices of the items, can you tell me what they are?

Tasha Via said...

I am so sorry Susan! Miscarriage is never easy. We had a miscarriage last April. It was so hard, especially with friends with due dates around the same as mine would have been. You are right, no baby can replace the one lost, but God is so good to give us a new day, with new beginnings...

Very sweet post!

naisang said...

Okay, I am quite teary eyed now. This was such a sweet post. I too lost a little one at 12 weeks. Thanks so much for sharing what is on your heart. I love Septro's prayer for you. Looking forward to seeing ladybug and finding out her real name!:)

Rita Williamson said...

Susan, Thank you for sending me you blog. Also I am glad i scrolled all the way down to read about your peanut. I too lost our child at 5 months.The Lord is so faithful and just in knowing what is to be. I know that my baby is in the safest place it could be. With our Father and that one day all of us woman that have gone through the same thing has a little one waiting to meet us and us to meet our little one. So Praise God for that faith and trust. It is nice to read that all the woman that wrote, the Lord blessed all of us with another child and more for some.

Anonymous said...

Susan, this was so sweet. You may already know this, but like many women I know, I miscarried our first pregnancy back in January 2008. It was very early, but still, very painful. Now we have Georgia and I realize we wouldn't have exactly HER if my first pregnancy had worked out. It's unimaginable! But, now that it is September I find myself thinking about the 1-year-old that might've been. It is bittersweet.
Bless you in your final weeks of pregnancy - hang in there!
Jen Knox