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Saturday, March 7, 2009

What Do I Say?

In the past few weeks, several people have asked me if this is my first child after finding out I'm pregnant. What am I supposed to say? I almost feel like it's a catch 22. On one hand, this isn't my first child. I lost my first child. I never got to meet my first child. But then do I really want to bring that up to someone and watch their face go from smiling to an awkward sympathetic look (especially for someone who has never experienced it...I think it's most awkward for them)? It's not that I want people to feel sorry for me. But I almost feel like if I say "Yes, this is my first", then I'm not acknowledging the precious life I saw on that screen this past summer. Yes, it was early when we lost the baby, but does that make him/her any less of my child? I guess I do want people to acknowledge my last little one's brief existence. I don't want to pretend my lil Peanut never was. But I don't want to put people in a situation they really didn't expect nor ask for. Perhaps it just depends on the person asking and the relationship I have with them. Just something I've been pondering lately.


Shawna Steenback said...

I always just told people it was my first, unless it was someone who wasn't just a stranger that I wouldn't be seeing again but someone that I had recently met and would be getting to know on a more personal level and staying in my life...then I would tell them our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I think you're right it depends on who it is, I've found that most people mean is this your first child or do you have any others at home; but if it is someone that really cares about you then they will want to know about your first child regardless if they were born into this world or not.

Joy said...

I agree with Shawna- I think people just wonder if you have other kids at home, not necessarily how many times you've been pregnant.

It's really hard. Sometimes it is easier to say it to a stranger. I know you don't want pity nad it's hard for people to not give you that look of pity.

I guess you could always say, "We do have one little angel in Heaven and we're so very excited about this new baby." I think when you end the statement with the happy news of a new arrival, people will focus on that part. It's kind of awkward to say, "No, we had a miscarriage."

I hope that helps! I know I told people about my first miscarriage and they just gawked at me and then turned and walked away. It made me feel worse. Sometimes it is worth it to hold it in your heart.

Melissa said...
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