Short Story

Once Upon a time there was a first-born baby named Rilynn.  Her mommy took monthly pictures of her beside the family dog, Suka.

Rilynn grew and grew.  

The end.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I first started using cloth diapers when my oldest (now four) was just over a year old.  I fell head over heals in love with it!  It was so fun to find new diapers, especially fun prints.  I branched out and tried several different types of diapers.  And we didn't need to buy disposables.

I didn't feel like cropping the pic - don't judge

 When my second was born, I waited about two months to start cloth.  It was much easier, I think, with babies - especially when EBF (exclusively breastfed) because there was no need to rinse.  

Last Fall, I took a break from cloth diapering.  I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and not feeling so well.  I originally planned to take a week off, then a month.  But then it turned into until my second was potty trained (this past June).  

I had planned to still use cloth with Logann.  Of course I knew I needed to give myself some time.  It wasn't until she was eleven weeks that I started up again.  

look at that cute diaper!!!

After a couple of days, I was done.  For good. 

I, of course, started making myself feel bad.  

- "So-and-so does it and they have just as many, or more kids" 
- "You're going to spend more money now" 
- "You should be able to do this. It's not as hard as you're making it out to be"

etc etc

But my husband was, thankfully, very supportive.  And sometimes, it's worth spending a little more in one area if needed to save a momma from losing it completely right?  :) Plus, I think I'm pretty good at finding deals so now I'll just be looking for diaper deals.  

If anyone out there reading who cloth diapers would like to buy more, email me at susansene@yahooDOTcom and I can give you a list of what's available.  I've already been able to sell a good amount which has already gone towards disposables.  So that makes me feel better.

But I will miss it.  I mean, I won't.  But I will.  It truly feels like a bit of a break up. But I know now this is the right decision for me right now.  

Emotional Rollercoaster

This is it.  This is when my emotions go crazy - around three months post partum.  

Time out - let's just take a moment to take in the fact that this little love muffin is already three months old!!?  

Anyway, I should have been more prepared I guess.  But I don't feel like I am.  Nothing can really prepare you for it.  I haven't had a chance to look into why this is - at least for me.  I'm sure it has a lot to do with hormone levels changing.  Plus the fact that this is around the time when everything starts to feel "normal" again.  And I try to be supermom.  And I get unrealistic expectations of what my days should look like.  And I don't have enough sleep.  

Last week was especially hard.  Everything made me want to cry.  Everything seemed ten times more overwhelming.

On top of these emotional struggles, Kaylee - the newest member of the middle child club - began to struggle again.  She would constantly whine.  She wouldn't do anything I asked her to.  She would throw herself on the floor if she didn't get her way.  And she was starting to scratch/poke Logann more than before.  And it wasn't curious poking.  It seemed obvious she was trying to process her feeling left out but she was doing it in all the wrong ways.  

Ri took this and I didn't know until later.  I'm holding Logann and Kalee is whining :)

This made my already-weepy state even worse.  I wanted to make it all better for her.  I felt like I was failing her as her mom.  

Then on Wednesday, my sister-in-law went into labor.  It was slow at first but everything worked out wonderfully.  That same morning, my mom told me they had found my grandmother fairly unresponsive in her room.  IV fluids and oxygen helped perk her up.  Then we found a chicken head in our backyard and another hen across the street (fox we figured since one was seen on our street that same day).

aint he cute?  Cooper Thomas :)

we went to visit GiGi

Thursday was a little better.  Friday I had a serious breakdown and called Septtro at work.  I paced across my room before calling - debating whether or not I should.  I mean, I should be able to handle this right?  But I called.  And I'm so glad I did.  The rest of the day was better.

Saturday I took Kaylee out to run a few errands.  She picked out a special toy at Goodwill and we got a few other fun things that day.  I've started to reward her for using the potty by herself again.  And I've put the girls to bed since I'm usually rocking Logann during that time.  Those things have seemed to help.  She needs more positive attention.

It was no mistake her and I were adjusting at the same time. It forced me, once again, to rely on the strength of the Lord - to plea for his wisdom.  This week has been better so far.  But the emotions are still there.  I can very easily feel overwhelmed at the slightest thing.  

But we will all get through it.  We have each other.  

It Takes a Village

You know the saying right?  

"It takes a village to raise a child"

I'm not certain who actually came up with that quote - or when - or what exactly their intent behind it was.  But after having Logann I've realized more than ever that I cannot do this by myself.  I need the Lord, yes and amen.  But that's not what I'm referring to here.

I need a community of people.  I need them.  And quite honestly, they need me too. 

We are all different...different gifts, different resources, different seasons of life.  And that's all so beautiful!!!

I wasn't around when most families lived next door to each other.  Or across the street.  Or even in the same household (a bit much sometimes, I'm sure).  But just think what a sense of community there was!  An extra pair of hands to hold a fussy baby, refill sippy cups, take out the trash, get children dressed, prepare lunch, unload the dishwasher, fold some laundry, argue and grow from one another, listen to and encourage one another. 

Our society is just so stinkin autonomous.  People are so busy.  And I get it.  We all have lives. But lately I've just had to be home more (running out with three small kids isn't exactly a piece of cake).  And I've realized I need others' help!

I've read several articles recently about young mothers and the stresses of motherhood.  "You are not alone" "Others feel the same way"

That's nice I'm not the only one who feels like a psychotic mother of preschool children.  But isn't there something that can be done instead of nodding my head or telling people "bless your heart", and/or simply saying prayers for those young mothers, middle-aged mothers, elderly couples with health problems, teenagers looking for approval and guidance - why don't I actually get involved??

I do believe the church is a great way to have community.  But not everybody at church lives near you.

But your neighbors do.
 

We didn't know hardly anyone - and we'd lived here for eight years.  Slowly, though, we have developed relationships.  And guess what?

My dear English neighbor who has grown kids and lives alone?  She loves to hold babies.  And come eat lunch with us.  And sit at the house with my older girls while I take Logann to an appointment.  She loves for us to stop by on our way back from walks and "interrupt" her work time so the girls can say hello and look at her thimble collection. She teaches us about the United Kingdom and says things like "lovely" and "cheerio".  And she's a good listener.  

And my pregnant neighbor up the street?  She has a girl Rilynn's age.  The girls play well with one another.  I can have her daughter down to play while she rests, or catches up on laundry, or runs an errand or two.  My girls gain a play mate.  It's a win-win see?  A few days later she may have my girls up for lunch while I do some house chores.  Or nap.  

There's an elderly couple we recently met several houses up.  They have a cute dog that always runs out in the road when we walk.  Because of that dog, we have gotten to know them.  The husband just had triple bypass.  The wife asked if my girls could call her Nanna.  Before his surgery they gave us homemade pear jam and fresh peppers from their garden.  Now every time we pass by and they are outside, we get to chat with each other.  She recently asked about our church and I was able to invite her to ours.  We exchanged phone numbers and have already texted one another.  

I know we aren't living in The Wonder Years era or anything.  I guess what I'm saying is, I've realized that when I am intentional to look for ways to bless my community - my neighbors - it blesses my heart.  We look out for each other.  And I'm realizing more than ever how important that community is and how refreshing it can be to our whole family!

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Family and homemade jam

I'm playing catch-up a little bit here.  Last weekend, Ri moved from her toddler bed to a twin trundle bed.  I didn't plan for it to happen but we found a great deal on Craigslist - matched the dresser we had in there already.

See all the stuff on her bed?  I don't know how there was ever any room for her in her toddler bed!  

Proof that my kids DO have some of my features: (me on left, Logann on right)

 Septtro's brother and sister came to visit last weekend.  It was so fun to have them here - the girls loved having all of them here to play!

Kaylee is about 8 months older than her cousin Skye but she's quite a bit smaller.  Sorry girl, guess you got your momma's short genes.  Beautiful lil gals!!!

Some friends gave us a LOT of muscadine grapes.  Septtro made homemade jelly!! I'm not a fan of the grapes but haven't tried the jelly yet.  He and the girls love the grapes though so I'm sure this won't last long.  

I've been trying to hard to capture that universal newborn stretch where they curl around themselves, hands behind their head.  I just love it!!  I haven't been able to catch it on camera yet.  But I did catch a "praise Jesus" moment.  :)

Mommy Guilt

You know how, no matter what you do accomplish, there's always a tendency to feel guilty over what didn't get done during the day?  

I had this genius idea to go around the house very briefly during nap time the other day and take pictures of what I had done already that day; no matter how small it may seem.  Surely, after doing this, I'd be encouraged as I was likely unaware of the many small tasks I had completed.

I got a load of dirty clothes into the washing machine.  I had kept the kitchen counters fairly clean and decluttered.  Our bed was made.  And I showered AND straightened my hair.  

That's in addition to caring for the emotional and physical needs of three children during the day.  

I should feel accomplished.  And I did.  For moment I felt at peace with not feeling obligated to do anything else that day except enjoy my children as much as possible.  

Then...it came creeping up again.  That mommy guilt.

I managed to get more clothes in the washing machine but I still hadn't folded that basket of laundry in the living room.  The counter was cleared off but the dirty dishes were still in the sink.  My bed was made but our bedroom furniture was covered in dust.  And I'd showered and straightened my hair but when was the last time I'd plucked those caterpillar eyebrows?? And seriously, when is the last time you put on deodorant?  Don't you smell yourself??

I cannot catch up.  It will never end.  I will always have something else that needs to be done.

These thoughts of guilt - this mommy guilt - it's not from the Lord.  

 So what's this purpose the Lord has for me then?  

To embrace this...

And this..

And be ok with this.  

 It's not easy.  And I don't think it's natural for most moms.  I'm still learning how.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Cor 12:9

I need to be mindful of those times when mommy guilt creeps in.  If I am not diligent and purposeful about refocusing to my ultimate purpose, I will become overwhelmed very quickly.   

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford. 

Refrain
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee. 

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

Oh, and just in case your weary soul needs this too - whether due to your job, family, finances  or that dreaded mommy guilt - take a few minutes..close your eyes.  And just listen to this song:

And now I think I'll lie down and nap beside my almost-9 week old baby girl...even though the dishes aren't done and there's wet laundry in the washing machine and my bed isn't made.  :)  

But I *did* remember to put on deodorant today!

Adjusting

Life with three.  I'm totally outnumbered.  :)

I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park.  I knew I'd struggle.  And I have.  Most days I feel like I hold it all together pretty well.  

But then I decide the dishes have to be done, and the laundry washed, dried, and sorted - right then.  The toilet is showing signs of orange rings, the ceiling fans have layers of dust, where did that dead bug go that I saw an hour ago?  And then there's that shoe that's been missing for a few days that I really want to find.  I want to make applesauce and more homemade meals for my family.  I have to nurse every two to three hours - not to mention the time in between when the baby decides not to nap when I'd like her to.  

And I get overwhelmed.  I feel like I haven't a clue what I'm doing.  Where did my day go?  

How do I know what to do when?  Yes, housework can wait.  But eventually it has to be done.  And when I have a few minutes, I have to choose between sleep and chores.  Septtro has been a huge help.  I know in my head a clean and tidy house will never stay that way.  Why does it bother me so much?

I want to play with my girls...and read to them.  I want to go on walks with them.  But I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.  

I wish somebody could just tell me exactly what I should do each day.  That'd be a whole lot easier.  

I've tried schedules.  I've tried "loose" schedules.  I've tried no schedules.  My kids are still young and they need me for almost everything.  And activities don't last for hours - they last for minutes and then their minds are on to something else.  I feel like I'm constantly finding my new normal.  

I wish I could just take a few weeks and enjoy this newborn stage.  An 8 week old still counts as a newborn right?  Is she really already two months old??!

Will my older two remember all those days filled with their mom constantly apologizing (or not apologizing) after, once again, "having a bad attitude"? How do I help my older girls not argue so much?  Can't I give them something to do so I can nurse my baby without having someone yelling or crying?  Will they remember how much time they spent in front of the TV?

Please don't misunderstand.  I'm thankful.  And I wanted all three of these precious gifts.  They are my heart.

I just feel lost.  And sometimes I feel alone.  

I'm too hard on myself a lot of times.  When I struggle emotionally I feel like I'm being a weenie.  I should just put on my big girl undies and get it done.  Suck it up.  

But I'm telling you, hormones are very real.  And they make this all very difficult.  

Then she smiles.

And they giggle. And tell each other "secets" (secrets for those of you who aren't fluent in toddler/preschool).

I smile.  A real smile.  And for a moment, I feel confident.  I can do this.

I most definitely need Jesus.  Oh how I need Him!  I need His word integrated into my day as much as possible....a Bible story with the girls, a song on the radio, a verse on my iphone, a text from a friend - I need it.  It does miracles in my weary soul.  It gives me confidence - in Him and in my abilities as a mom.

I hope I never forget these little years.  I want to be used to help others in the future.  These are the trenches.  I'm constantly battling - my emotions, my children's behavior, fighting for their souls, organizing and keeping my home.  

It's worth it though.  It's all worth it.  

How a Human Hair Became Dangerous

A few weeks ago, I was nursing Logann and I noticed her thumb looked very puffy, and red, and weird.  I compared it to her other thumb and quickly became quite concerned.  

I happen to be texting my friend, whose husband is a doctor, at the time.  I sent her a picture of her thumb.  Her husband wasn't available to look right away but she agreed it seemed the circulation was being cut off.  

Then I noticed a hair was wrapped very tightly around her thumb.  I tried unraveling it but it didn't make a difference in the appearance of her thumb.  I started to panic.  I remember hearing about a little boy whose toe got wrapped up in a thread from his footie pjs and had to have his toe amputated.  All I could think of was that story.  

It was so tightly wrapped around her thumb I couldn't seem to get underneath it to get it completely off.  I called Septtro crying and he said to just take her to the doctor.  Before I started to get ready I ran water over it to try to loosen it.  Somehow, by God's goodness, that loosened it and I was able to unravel it.  It was obvious that was the problem because almost immediately, the swelling began to go down and normal color returned.  

My friend's husband told me how to test to make sure circulation was back to normal - pinching the top of the finger...if it turned white then quickly returned red then all was well.  Hers did that so it seemed she was fine.  I did take her by my mom's school to let the nurse take a look too - just for peace of mind.  

A week later, you could still see the line on her thumb where the hair had cut into her skin.  

Of course, I felt terrible!  But who would have thought a hair, of all things, could be so dangerous?!  I don't think I could have wrapped a hair around her finger like that if I tried - one of those freak things that happen sometimes.  I have no idea how long it was like that but I'm SO thankful the Lord allowed me to notice it when I did.  

Now I'm constantly unwrapping these sweet little fingers to make sure they are free of tangled hair.  :)

Twins!! - Just Four Years Apart

I'm not the only one that sees this right?  I just can't believe how MUCH Logann resembles Rilynn as a baby!!!

Can you guess which one is Ri and which one is Lo?  :)

Four Years and All Grown Up

Yesterday my oldest baby turned four.  FOUR!  We went to Chick fil a with her cousins for lunch and to Costco for dinner - she insisted she wanted hotdogs - and then Chuck E Cheese for dinner.  

Baby Ri and big girl Ri

I usually don't have much time to sit and reflect during birthdays.  But I did yesterday.  And as I remembered where the Lord has brought me from four plus years to today, my eyes began to well up with tears.  He has been so good to me, to us - who would have thought after being diagnosed with PCOS and hearing the word "infertility" and then suffering the loss of our first baby, that we would now have a happy, healthy, and thriving four year old....with TWO sisters.  :)

Yesterday, Rilynn said two things that just seemed so stinkin grown up.  She's becoming such a little girl...and I love it!

While doing her hair in the morning, she said to me "Mom, I want a braid in my hair.  Daddy likes it like that".  Oh, how I hope and pray that her Daddy always has her heart that way.  :)

Later, while at dinner, she sorta broke her poor Daddy's heart without knowing it.  She told him, as he picked up her younger sister, "Daddy I'm a big girl now.  I don't need your help".  

And then, she cut up her hotdog all by herself.  

She is growing up!  But I reminded Septtro that she would always need her Daddy...and she will.  

Happy Birthday to our sweet Ri Ri!!!!

Five Ways to Help a Mother of Little Ones

Since having three small children fairly close in age (three under the age of four), I've come to realize there are many things people have done for me, most of which seem simple, but that are a huge blessing.  I thought I'd write down a few; you know, in case you wanted to do some for me help someone else.

1.  Offer to take one or more children for a while during the day.  And if you can only take one child, take the more "challenging" one.

2.  Bring dinner one night.  Or a quick breakfast item.  Or mom's favorite snack food (dark chocolate perhaps? or a nice iced mocha?)

3.  If mom has a baby, come over and hold the baby - even for 15 minutes. You'd be amazed at what mom can do in 15 minutes of uninterrupted time.

4.  Text, email, or call mom.  Ask how she is.  Encourage her heart.  Speak truth to her.  Tell her she's a great mom and she's not ruining her children.  Words of affirmation go a long way.

5. Fold some laundry, do a few dishes, wipe down a counter - or even just the kitchen table or a kid's high chair.  Clean or straighten anything you possibly can.  I can't speak for all moms, but this will NOT be offensive.

I might add, asking a mom (of any age kids I would imagine) to "let you know" if they need help won't normally produce a phone call.  If you desire to help, it's much more productive to tell a mom what you plan to do and give them a choice of a couple days to choose from.  For example "I'm coming to take your girls for a couple of hours.  Would Monday or Wednesday be better?" makes it easier for mom to say yes than "Let me know if there's ever a day you want help with the girls".  When you want to help, don't ask - insist.  Sometimes mommas can be prideful and stubborn and tell themselves they're fine and they don't need help.  But we do.  We need each other!

I wish our society wasn't so individualistic.  And busy.  After having had three babies, I wish moms were able to recover and rest longer.  I really think it'd help our sanity.  :)

Also, I really do love being a mom.  

Photo Shoot Time!!!

Is there anything sweeter than a big, strong handsome daddy surrounded by his little girls????  I think not.

You can see more pictures from our photo shoot here.  Kelli does pictures for all kinds of occasions and I highly recommend you hire her next time you have some special moments to capture! Thank you Kelli and Abbi for these beautiful pictures!!