Adjusting

Life with three.  I'm totally outnumbered.  :)

I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park.  I knew I'd struggle.  And I have.  Most days I feel like I hold it all together pretty well.  

But then I decide the dishes have to be done, and the laundry washed, dried, and sorted - right then.  The toilet is showing signs of orange rings, the ceiling fans have layers of dust, where did that dead bug go that I saw an hour ago?  And then there's that shoe that's been missing for a few days that I really want to find.  I want to make applesauce and more homemade meals for my family.  I have to nurse every two to three hours - not to mention the time in between when the baby decides not to nap when I'd like her to.  

And I get overwhelmed.  I feel like I haven't a clue what I'm doing.  Where did my day go?  

How do I know what to do when?  Yes, housework can wait.  But eventually it has to be done.  And when I have a few minutes, I have to choose between sleep and chores.  Septtro has been a huge help.  I know in my head a clean and tidy house will never stay that way.  Why does it bother me so much?

I want to play with my girls...and read to them.  I want to go on walks with them.  But I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions.  

I wish somebody could just tell me exactly what I should do each day.  That'd be a whole lot easier.  

I've tried schedules.  I've tried "loose" schedules.  I've tried no schedules.  My kids are still young and they need me for almost everything.  And activities don't last for hours - they last for minutes and then their minds are on to something else.  I feel like I'm constantly finding my new normal.  

I wish I could just take a few weeks and enjoy this newborn stage.  An 8 week old still counts as a newborn right?  Is she really already two months old??!

Will my older two remember all those days filled with their mom constantly apologizing (or not apologizing) after, once again, "having a bad attitude"? How do I help my older girls not argue so much?  Can't I give them something to do so I can nurse my baby without having someone yelling or crying?  Will they remember how much time they spent in front of the TV?

Please don't misunderstand.  I'm thankful.  And I wanted all three of these precious gifts.  They are my heart.

I just feel lost.  And sometimes I feel alone.  

I'm too hard on myself a lot of times.  When I struggle emotionally I feel like I'm being a weenie.  I should just put on my big girl undies and get it done.  Suck it up.  

But I'm telling you, hormones are very real.  And they make this all very difficult.  

Then she smiles.

And they giggle. And tell each other "secets" (secrets for those of you who aren't fluent in toddler/preschool).

I smile.  A real smile.  And for a moment, I feel confident.  I can do this.

I most definitely need Jesus.  Oh how I need Him!  I need His word integrated into my day as much as possible....a Bible story with the girls, a song on the radio, a verse on my iphone, a text from a friend - I need it.  It does miracles in my weary soul.  It gives me confidence - in Him and in my abilities as a mom.

I hope I never forget these little years.  I want to be used to help others in the future.  These are the trenches.  I'm constantly battling - my emotions, my children's behavior, fighting for their souls, organizing and keeping my home.  

It's worth it though.  It's all worth it.