Peanut

I had my check-up appointment this afternoon at 2:30. At first, we weren't sure if Septtro should come (we'd really only want him to if they were going to do another ultrasound). Septtro had to take a class tonight for teachers and originally had it schedule for 12:00-3:00 but rescheduled it for 4:00-7:00 just in case he came to the appointment. This morning, they said they wouldn't do another ultrasound. I felt bad because Septtro had to reschedule and now go to the class late at night for no reason.

On the way to the appointment, I was talking to my best bud, Lor. She said I might want to ask the receptionist just to be sure. So I did. She said they would be doing an ultrasound. Well, sheesh. So I called Septtro and he hurried down. We let them know he had to be somewhere at 4:00 so they did everything as quickly as possible.

When the doctor was doing the ultrasound, he was very quiet. I saw a speck on the screen. You know how hard it is to tell what everything is on those things. He asked when my last ultrasound was and the nurse told him it was July 21st and they noted they saw the flicker of the heartbeat. Right before I asked him what the speck was, he stopped and said, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I don't see anything". WHAT?! That made no sense. Um, excuse me but we saw the flicker - that meant we were pretty much out of harm's way. He must not know what he's talking about - he's looking in the wrong place. He had to be wrong, misktaken, untrained in ultrasound technology.

He said he would send us to the other office where an ultrasound technician would perform another ultrasound to be sure - but he was pretty sure we needed to prepare for a miscarriage. When he left, I cried. Septtro kept reminding me that it's not up to us. He was the rock I needed at that moment.

We went to the other office. I almost didn't want to go in and hear it all over again. Sure enough, the technician said it was true. I then asked what the speck was. She said it was the baby but the baby stopped growing. I asked when - since we had just seen the heartbeat and everything seemed fine. She told me it appeared that right after the ultrasound when we saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. My uterus had still grown to the size it should be around 10 or 11 weeks (Peanut would have turned 10 weeks this past Sunday).

I figured if something was going to go wrong, something would happen to me physically that would make it obvious. Looking back, my nausea had started to subside but I figured that was just because I was getting close to the end of my first trimester. Otherwise, everything seemed fine - right on track.

When we finally got home, I was crying again and Suka came running up to me. She's usually very hyper when we come home but I really think she sensed my hurt. She tightened her grip with her two front paws around my neck (she gives us hugs) and gently placed her face on mine. She kept herself there until I moved her. Even after moving her and sitting down, she came back up to me and did the same thing. Mom was right, she should be a therapy dog. And what a sweet blessing from God to have her do that. Speaking of Suka, her sugery went well. We still don't know the results but should find out this week. Man, I feel like I can't take much more bad news but still, I know God won't give me more than I can handle.

Since we found out the news, we've tried calling people to let them know. I'm sorry if you're reading this and learning this for the first time. It's been quite an exhausting day. Just when I feel like I've cried out all the tears I possibly could, somehow more arise when I least expect it.

I know God is good. His grace is sufficient and His timing is perfect. Knowing those things, here's the good I've already found in the situation:

1. If I had this appointment last week, Septtro would have been at 2-a-days for football and I would have been by myself.

2. If I hadn't talked to Lorren on my way to the appointment, I'm not sure I would have thought to ask again about having an ultrasound and Septtro wouldn't have been with me.

3. If Septtro had been able to reschedule his class again this morning after I was told there would be no ultrasound, again, he wouldn't have been with me.

4. The gracious words Septtro had for me and his composure were such an encouragement and blessing.

5. God can use this for His good and I hope and pray I make myself completely available for His glory and honor.

The plan as of now is to have a DNC done as early as tomorrow. Basically, they will surgically clean out my uterus. I could wait for this to happen naturally but as large as my uterus is now, that could take several months. I could also take pills to help my body do it on its own but that's not always effective and can be painful. Septtro and I feel it'd be best for me to do the surgery so nothing will be dragged out. I will call the office tomorrow and most likely have it done if they have room for me (which they said they did when I spoke with them today - we just didn't schedule it until we could talk about it).

Please keep us in your prayers. I'm not sure when I'll have access to Internet again. Feel free to text me or call but please don't be offended if we don't answer the phone. If you're wondering whether or not it's ok to share this with others, please know it's fine.

To all of our friends and family, thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. Septtro and I are aware that we are not the only ones affected by this news but are encouraged that God is sovereign. This doesn't make sense right now and it might not ever make sense, but that's not what's important. We don't need to understand why but instead, just to give God the glory for what He has accomplished and what He will accomplish through this...even if that purpse is never revealed. My lil Peanut will always have a special place in my heart - and a special spot on our refrigerator.

I'll end (Yeah, I know...finally) with part of a song that's been in my heart and mind all day - and is my prayer for myself and Septtro...Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns:

"And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm"