miss you

Dear Peanut,

There are so many things I have to say; so many things I wanted you to know. I miss you so much. I wish I could have met you face to face. I remember the first time I saw you on the screen - your tiny heart beating so fast. Your dad and I swore we both heard the heartbeat but the technician said it was too early. I still say I heard it.


I used to talk to you sometimes. Do you remember? I prayed for you, your children, your salvation. I'd unknowingly place my hand on my belly like you see most pregnant women do. I always wondered why they did that. I think it was just my way of trying to connect with you.


I miss being sick. I wish I was still sick. That'd mean that you would still be with me. I'd give ANYTHING to be sick and pregnant again.

People keep telling me God will give me another baby in His timing. I know that's true. I know everything true about His will, power, grace, sovereignty. But it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't make me miss you any less. Sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes I just fall apart. Sometimes I just need to express what I'm thinking even if I can answer myself with the right biblical answer.


You know something? Your dad thought you were a girl. He told me. He really wants a boy but he would have loved to have a girl too. Would you have been a girl? We could only agree on one girl name. We wrote it on the whiteboard in our kitchen to see how we wanted to spell it. Your picture is still in the kitchen too. It's on the refrigerator. I touch the picture sometimes...it's the closest I can get now...my first baby - my lil peanut. We would have probably called you Peanut all your life. Your future brother or sister will have to acquire another nickname.


I have a carseat, stroller, and beach chair for you. A really nice friend at work told her mom about you and she generously gave us those things. Wasn't that nice? We washed the fabric on the carseat but still haven't figured out how to put it back on correctly. I kept picturing you in the stroller - going on walks with your Grammie and Suka. You would have really liked Suka. She's such a sweet dog. She would have loved you so much - protected you and given you great big hugs. I imagined you and her being such good friends - exploring the trails behind our house.


Did you know you were supposed to be born 3 days before your dad and my 4 year wedding anniversary? We normally go on a ski trip to the mountains for our anniversary. We couldn't go last year because your dad had to have shoulder surgery. We thought we weren't going to get to go this year - but that was just fine with us. What a great anniversary gift you would have been!


Sometimes on Sundays, when you would have been a week older inside me, I'd tell you happy birthday. This Sunday would have been 15 weeks. I'm going to be in a wedding next weekend in Charleston. I imagined how I would have had a baby bump by then. I'll miss you at the wedding.


Peanut, are you in heaven? I hope so. I'd love to see you again. Some people have told me they believe you are. Some say they're not sure. I'm not sure either. The Bible isn't exactly specific on that subject. I know one thing. God is in control. And I also know you're not in any pain and you'll never have to experience any pain or sorrow of life on Earth. I hope you didn't have to experience any pain inside me. I hope the Lord took you quickly. Do you ever wonder why you were taken away? I do. It's nothing you did wrong and it's nothing I did wrong. God is sovereign and He is good. Sometimes we don't understand what He does and may never understand the purpose of our circumstances. I've learned that through pain and sorrow - things you won't have to worry about.


Did you know the week after I found out I was pregnant with you, I went to play volleyball? I imagined teaching you about volleyball...girl or boy (it's okay - some of the best volleyball players are guys and they don't wear spandex). I would also have taught you about baseball and softball. Your Uncle Mark is a good baseball player - he could have been your pitching coach if you were a boy. Your dad could have taught you all about football and your Aunt Shawna could have taught you about basketball and soccer. Between all of us, all the basic sports would have been covered. I wonder which one you would have chosen to play. Maybe you wouldn't have liked sports...but don't tell your dad - he think that's impossible. ;) I didn't play volleyball after that week...I was too nervous to. I didn't even go for a run. Do you remember when I went running the week before I knew about you? I remember telling God I knew there could be a baby inside of me at that very moment - and you were! You should have seen your dad's face when I shoved the positive pregnancy test over to him - if I only had a camera. We were SO excited! We told your Uncle Stephen first because he was staying with us at the time. He clapped and clapped - he was so excited too! All of us were so excited.


There are times when I'm stitting at work or at home and I'm reminded of losing you. I cry and pray and cry some more. Most people have no clue I'm hurting or struggling. But God knows. He will always be there for me to turn to. Please know that you will never be forgotten. It was nice to talk to you - I will have to do this again. There's so much more to tell you. I miss you. I love you.