healing in more ways than one

I had outpatient surgery Tuesday at around 3:00. It was schedule for 2:00 but there was an emergency with another lady and her triplets so we had to wait. I'm not good with hospitals and they didn't knock me out until after we were in the OR so of course I cried in front of the doctor and nurses. I'm sure they're used to that though. The procedure took about half an hour. Physically, I'm not too bad. Emotionally, I'm up and down and I know that will be the case for a while. Sometimes after waking up, I think for a second if all of this really happened; you know, when you first wake up and you've gotta get a grip on reality again.

I'm over at my parent's house. I needed a change of scenery - we both did. Septtro was able to take off the first week of school and be home with me so I'm very thankful for that. I haven't been back to work all week but plan to return Monday. I'm really dreading that. I know it will be hard to get back into the routine of things. After talking to my mom, I realized that it would probably be best if the people at work were told before I came back. I think that'd make it easier on me not to have to explain it to so many people (cause you know people are going to be curious why I've been out so long) plus it'd save others from saying things that may strike a nerve with my emotions without realizing it. I don't mind sharing what's happened with others, I just know it will be hard. And I hope I don't just come across to others as "poor pitiful me" - although I know it's ok for me to be sad. I honestly want God to get the glory He deserves and pray He'll give me the words to say.

I can't say I don't miss Peanut. Even though I know he/she wasn't really alive, at least Peanut was still a part of me. It was hard after waking up from surgery and realizing Peanut was really gone. That night was especially hard too. But I have to take every day as a new day - praise God for His goodness and the things He has blessed me with: a nice house, sweet dog, great friends and family, a loving and supportive husband and so much more.

Thanks for your prayers and sweet words. Please continue to pray for Septtro and I as we grapple with all of this. May God glorify himself through us and through this situation.

Peanut

I had my check-up appointment this afternoon at 2:30. At first, we weren't sure if Septtro should come (we'd really only want him to if they were going to do another ultrasound). Septtro had to take a class tonight for teachers and originally had it schedule for 12:00-3:00 but rescheduled it for 4:00-7:00 just in case he came to the appointment. This morning, they said they wouldn't do another ultrasound. I felt bad because Septtro had to reschedule and now go to the class late at night for no reason.

On the way to the appointment, I was talking to my best bud, Lor. She said I might want to ask the receptionist just to be sure. So I did. She said they would be doing an ultrasound. Well, sheesh. So I called Septtro and he hurried down. We let them know he had to be somewhere at 4:00 so they did everything as quickly as possible.

When the doctor was doing the ultrasound, he was very quiet. I saw a speck on the screen. You know how hard it is to tell what everything is on those things. He asked when my last ultrasound was and the nurse told him it was July 21st and they noted they saw the flicker of the heartbeat. Right before I asked him what the speck was, he stopped and said, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I don't see anything". WHAT?! That made no sense. Um, excuse me but we saw the flicker - that meant we were pretty much out of harm's way. He must not know what he's talking about - he's looking in the wrong place. He had to be wrong, misktaken, untrained in ultrasound technology.

He said he would send us to the other office where an ultrasound technician would perform another ultrasound to be sure - but he was pretty sure we needed to prepare for a miscarriage. When he left, I cried. Septtro kept reminding me that it's not up to us. He was the rock I needed at that moment.

We went to the other office. I almost didn't want to go in and hear it all over again. Sure enough, the technician said it was true. I then asked what the speck was. She said it was the baby but the baby stopped growing. I asked when - since we had just seen the heartbeat and everything seemed fine. She told me it appeared that right after the ultrasound when we saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. My uterus had still grown to the size it should be around 10 or 11 weeks (Peanut would have turned 10 weeks this past Sunday).

I figured if something was going to go wrong, something would happen to me physically that would make it obvious. Looking back, my nausea had started to subside but I figured that was just because I was getting close to the end of my first trimester. Otherwise, everything seemed fine - right on track.

When we finally got home, I was crying again and Suka came running up to me. She's usually very hyper when we come home but I really think she sensed my hurt. She tightened her grip with her two front paws around my neck (she gives us hugs) and gently placed her face on mine. She kept herself there until I moved her. Even after moving her and sitting down, she came back up to me and did the same thing. Mom was right, she should be a therapy dog. And what a sweet blessing from God to have her do that. Speaking of Suka, her sugery went well. We still don't know the results but should find out this week. Man, I feel like I can't take much more bad news but still, I know God won't give me more than I can handle.

Since we found out the news, we've tried calling people to let them know. I'm sorry if you're reading this and learning this for the first time. It's been quite an exhausting day. Just when I feel like I've cried out all the tears I possibly could, somehow more arise when I least expect it.

I know God is good. His grace is sufficient and His timing is perfect. Knowing those things, here's the good I've already found in the situation:

1. If I had this appointment last week, Septtro would have been at 2-a-days for football and I would have been by myself.

2. If I hadn't talked to Lorren on my way to the appointment, I'm not sure I would have thought to ask again about having an ultrasound and Septtro wouldn't have been with me.

3. If Septtro had been able to reschedule his class again this morning after I was told there would be no ultrasound, again, he wouldn't have been with me.

4. The gracious words Septtro had for me and his composure were such an encouragement and blessing.

5. God can use this for His good and I hope and pray I make myself completely available for His glory and honor.

The plan as of now is to have a DNC done as early as tomorrow. Basically, they will surgically clean out my uterus. I could wait for this to happen naturally but as large as my uterus is now, that could take several months. I could also take pills to help my body do it on its own but that's not always effective and can be painful. Septtro and I feel it'd be best for me to do the surgery so nothing will be dragged out. I will call the office tomorrow and most likely have it done if they have room for me (which they said they did when I spoke with them today - we just didn't schedule it until we could talk about it).

Please keep us in your prayers. I'm not sure when I'll have access to Internet again. Feel free to text me or call but please don't be offended if we don't answer the phone. If you're wondering whether or not it's ok to share this with others, please know it's fine.

To all of our friends and family, thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. Septtro and I are aware that we are not the only ones affected by this news but are encouraged that God is sovereign. This doesn't make sense right now and it might not ever make sense, but that's not what's important. We don't need to understand why but instead, just to give God the glory for what He has accomplished and what He will accomplish through this...even if that purpse is never revealed. My lil Peanut will always have a special place in my heart - and a special spot on our refrigerator.

I'll end (Yeah, I know...finally) with part of a song that's been in my heart and mind all day - and is my prayer for myself and Septtro...Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns:

"And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm"

Suka Update

Well our decision was kind of made for us. Late yesterday afternoon, I spoke with the nurse at the vet's office. She said Suka's normal doctor looked at the sample taken Friday and also thought it should be removed. I started asking about waiting a few weeks and the nurse said she didn't really see a point but that sometimes it would take a few weeks to get her scheduled for the procedure anyway so we could keep an eye on it up until then. So I was thinking I'd have to wait several weeks to even find out what this all was but then the nurse said she had a cancelation and Suka could go in this Wednesday - tomorrow. So that's the plan. I will take her in between 8:00a.m. and 8:30a.m. and she should be the first one of the day.

I'm obviously nervous about the whole thing. She already detests the vet's office and I know she'll be so frightened. But they assured me she'll be looked after very well and I know that's true. She should be able to come home tomorrow evening but it all depends on how quickly she wakes up from the anesthesia. I certainly hope she doesn't have to spend the night. She won't know what to do without her futon, duvet, and body pillow. :)

I'm doing better with my thoughts - knowing God is in control...of everything...even these things that many think to be so small and minor. I'm so thankful for the peace He gives.

My Suka Baby

This is my favorite picture of Suka. It looks like she's smiling and I love it.

Suka went to the vet Friday afternoon. We found a small growth on her back almost two weeks ago. The vet said it looked like a wart but tested it anyway. Turns out, there were some abnormalities. She recommended we have it removed. There's no way to know exactly what it is. It could be nothing. But I can't help but worry that it's something...you know, the "c" word. And if it is, can we afford to go down that road? She's only three years old. I didn't expect to have to even think about this kind of stuff at this point.

The vet said it can happen to any breed of dog at any time, and most of the time it's not anything serious. She said it had some characteristics of a growth young dogs get that will, most of the time, go away on their own. But because we don't know for sure, she recommended we get it removed - and then sent off for testing to determine exactly what it is. Although (and here's the tough part), she said she wouldn't feel uncomfortable waiting a few weeks to see what happened. So Septtro and I are left with a decision to make. Do we go ahead and have it removed even though it's nothing or do we wait a few weeks? My question is, if we wait a few weeks and nothing has changed, then what? Do we still get it removed? If so, I'd rather just do it now. I've called the vet to get some more questions answered and Septtro and I will talk about it more tonight.

I know some people might say, "She's just a dog" but this truly is my baby. Even though I've got lil Peanut, I can't imagine treating Suka any differently once the baby is here. She truly is part of the family. I love her cuddles and the way she always wants to please us. And I love how she sits at the side of the bed and whimpers to ask if she can come up, and how she begs us not to give her a bath when he collar gets taken off.

As silly as it may sound, this is yet another thing I will have to trust God about. I've heard people say before that God doesn't care about animals. When somebody in school would request prayer for their animal, some would think that was the most ridiculous thing ever. I believe God does care about His creation, including animals. But more importantly, I think He cares about how I react in this situation. He can use anything to help refine His image in my life. I'm hoping and praying that Suka will be ok. I know I always think the worst. Again, this could be nothing. But no matter what, I know God is good. I can't worry about what might be - I just need to remember what I know to be true.

Fun Summer Pictures

Suka is a good sport...she's growing up so fast. This was an article of clothing I decided to give to Goodwill. But before doing so, we thought we'd have a little fun.

Septtro and I took a small vacation to Atlanta, Georgia at the end of June. We visited the Georgia Aquarium (not that impressive), the New World of Coca-Cola, and Stone Mountain. This is at the New World of Coca Cola in Atlanta. I realized I will stick to the flavors of Coca Cola that I know and love - pretty much all of the international flavors are disgusting.

I find beluga whales quite fascinating.

This was at the top of Stone Mountain. You could see downtown Atlanta from the top - it's quite a hike!

This picture makes me so proud! :) Septtro played in a volleyball tournament in Columbia last weekend - one I normally play in as well but sat out due to lil Peanut. Anyway, his team didn't win but he played very well!