Looking Back - Going Forward

I have been putting off blogging about this. I didn't wanna take myself back and open up thoughts and feelings I've been trying so hard to suppress and forget about. But sometimes, writing can help heal. So that's what I'm hoping for.

First, let me say that Rilynn is the joy of my heart. I never thought in a gazillion years I could have the love and connection that I do with my daughter. But it didn't start out that way. And I honestly believe it's because of the birth experience I had. I've blogged about my experience before here.

I know there are women who don't have c-sections who still don't feel connected and bonded with their baby immediately. But is it normal - and I'm being totally honest here - to look at your newborn baby girl and be angry? Of course I wasn't angry at her, but looking at her brought back my horrible birth experience. Even now, passing by that hospital brings back this hit-in-the-gut feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes, she was and has been very healthy. And I'm very thankful for that. But contrary to what some may feel or believe, that's not all that matters. And I don't expect women who've never experienced what I have to understand that - similar to not expecting women who've never lost a baby to understand what that's like.

I'm well aware that the Lord allowed this situation to happen for a reason; that He's placed this in my life to bring more glory and honor to Him. But I'm still working through it in my mind and heart. I STILL feel cheated. Over a year later, and I haven't "gotten over it".

When I was younger, I used to have a "No Fear" shirt that said, "There's nothing more painful than regret". Boy...does that ever ring true. I regret I didn't do things differently for my first birth. But I can't go back and change anything. And now, as my husband and I desire to add to our family, I find myself determined to make the next pregnancy completely different.

But, because of my previous section, I am finding it extremely difficult to do so. I had NO idea there were laws against how a woman could choose to deliver her baby! Seriously, this country has no problem allowing mothers to kill their unborn babies, but when I desire to choose what I believe the safest option (VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean) for myself as well as my baby, it's illegal?! You've GOT to be kidding me!

I've been researching options for close to two months now. I want to be prepared before I become pregnant again. I want to know where to go. I certainly won't be returning to my previous OB. I may even consider going to Columbia or Asheville - I'm still collecting information for closer options. But I have yet to find somewhere locally where I feel comfortable that they would HELP me with a VBAC - not just "allow me to try". I need to be surrounded by people I trust and who trust in my body's ability. I honestly think it's VERY sad that there aren't more options and support in my area for women in my position.

I want no intervention unless it's an absolute emergency. I want to be able to allow my body to do what it was designed to do. I really don't even want to be at a hospital. But because of laws here, that's not even an option for me. Oh how I wish I could have my next baby at home!!

So we'll see. I'll continue researching. I know God's desire is for me to look to Him. I, by no means, want this pursuit of a natural VBAC to become a god in my life. For those reading this that may think my desire is foolish or unsafe, please understand I have done EXTENSIVE research: a complete rupture occurs in much less than 1% of women attempting a VBAC and a VBAC is actually, in most cases, considered safer than a repeat elective cesarean. Uterine rupture can also occur in women with no previous cesarean with the use of pitocin. I could go on and on. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists just recently stated their (new and improved - in my opinion) belief towards women trying for a VBAC here. I feel confident that trying for a VBAC is safe for me and my future baby.

Just to be clear, I don't look down on anyone or feel it's wrong or irresponsible to choose cesarean. I'm just stating how I feel about my next pregnancy. I'm not anti-doctor. I'm just a little more pro-natural. :) I don't know if God will allow me to have a successful VBAC with my next baby. I hope so. But if not, I know He is still good and His plan is still perfect.

Thoughts on Cloth So Far

So I've been using cloth diapers for about a week and a half now. Here's what I've learned so far:

1. Cloth diapering is a COMPLETELY different culture. I had to spend a lot of time on the Internet (including youtube) to educate myself as well as asking advice from the few people I know who use cloth.

2. I don't really care for "that look" people give me when I tell them I'm using cloth diapers. One thing I've learned - don't knock it until you've tried it. Maybe you won't like it, but please don't wrinkle your nose at me until you've tried. Seriously, it's probably not anything like you're thinking. Pins are rubber pants (as well as rashes and leaks) are NOT the norm anymore.

3. It WILL save me money. I'm using wash cloths for wipes now whem I'm at home. It's just easier to throw everything in the wash together.

4. I should have ordered a diaper sprayer from the beginning. Some people who cloth diaper don't want one. I do. It's definitely a must-have for me now. We are making our own and it's slightly cheaper but I don't have to wait on shipping and know the quality of the parts.

5. I don't have to have Ri in cloth ALL the time. There have been times at my parent's house or out and about that I put her in disposables. I think the more comfortable I become with cloth, though, the more I'll lean that way more full-time.

6. I wish I would have tried this sooner. It's actually become like a new hobby of mine to learn more and figure out what works best for our family. It's like a new adventure!! And, can anyone deny how CUTE cloth diapers are?! Too bad I didn't start this during the summer. They could have doubled as her bloomers. We could barely fit her chunky thighs into bloomers anyway.

So...what's my favorite type of diaper? POCKET!! This, I have found, is a favorite among a lot of cloth diapering moms. **I found a website I'm really excited about that I ordered from last night...pocket diapers for half the cost. Click here. I'll keep you posted on what I think of those**



I REALLY wanted to like the hybrid (Flip by BumGenius) because it's more trim but the insert just bunched up too much and was more prone to spring a leak. I have found for Ri, the pocket diaper really keeps the insert in place a lot better. Although the Flips have pretty rave reviews...they don't get my vote.



If you're considering trying cloth, I would encourage you to give it a whirl. The best way, I think, is to do a trial like I am. That way, you can try out a few different styles and whatever you don't like, you send back! I know for me, I wanted to try it but there are SO many different styles that I had no idea which one would work for Ri and didn't wanna invest in the "wrong" diaper. The trial has worked great for us! I'll be sending back the diapers I don't want this week and getting more pocket diapers instead.

She's Walkin!

Ri FINALLY decided today to take some unassisted steps and it's been SO fun!!

Good Girl!!!

So I've realized...I tell Rilynn "Good Girl!" a lot; probably more than I should. Not that I think it's horrible to say that phrase, but after talking with a few gals from my care group and my mom, I think it might be good to limit how much I say it.

But, you ask, what do you say to encourage???

I shall tell you! My mom mentioned this and I think it's a spectacular idea! If Ri is doing a good job eating her meal, instead of saying "oh what a good girl!" I can say, "oh what a good eater!"

If Ri puts her toy in the toy box when I ask her, instead of saying, "good girl!" I can say "what a good helper!"

In other words, I'm going to try to focus more on praising the characteristic she is exhibiting. After all, "no one does good, not even one" - Romans 3:12b And ultimately, I don't want her to think she's a "good girl"; but a young child in need of a Savior.

May God grant me grace...I'm sure I'll need it!! :)

Words

So I mainly want to document this for myself...

Yesterday at breakfast we had pancakes and were talking about them and Ri said "pancake" - seriously!  At first I wasn't really sure but then Septtro said he heard the same thing! 

Then at dinner last night, she was holding her hands in the air and so my dad said "praise Jesus!" and she said it back!  Of course she wouldn't say it again though.  And she's been saying "uh oh" for a couple weeks. 

It might be too early to tell but I think she might be a chatter box.  :) 

Bottoms Up!

I thought this view was just too cute not to share.  :)

Ready to Cloth!!!!

So I did it. I ordered cloth diapers. I really considered doing it before Ri was born - read here. The main reason I didn't do it when Ri was born was because I was freaked out to add anything else new to the mix. And I have and still do get good deals on disposable diapers. But I remain intrigued. There hasn't been a person who uses cloth diapers that I've spoken to that doesn't love it.

Cloth diapering is NOT like it used to be "back in the day". What I'm most excited about, is there are actually biodegradable disposable inserts you can put inside the cloth diaper (on top, basically) that will be a HUGE help when I'm out running errands or when Ri is in nursery, etc. They're MUCH cheaper than a disposable diaper would be and can even be reused a few times and thrown in the wash if they just get wet, not dirty. How cool is that?

I ordered several diapers from www.diaperjunction.com to do their 30 day diaper trial. It's the longest trial I found and I was able to choose what I wanted. I was able to get 10 diapers, a wet bag, and disposable inserts for under $200 (they had a promotional to get a free diaper with $75 purchase and I found a $5 off coupon code to use). What I don't like, I send back! Of course, one of the best things about this is that I can figure out a system I like and be ready to use it with subsequent babies, which will definitely save money.

My order shipped out today. I can't wait to try it out! And I REALLY can't wait to see Ri in the cute colors and prints!! The cow one pictured is one I ordered. They also had a REALLY cute pink hibiscus flower print one but they were out of stock. :(

One thing I have definitely learned is there is A LOT to learn about cloth diapering. I've done A LOT of research and feel like there's still a lot I don't know. But I feel like the best way to learn is to do right? I'll keep you posted!!

I'll Poke You in the Eye!

Ri's birthday was Saturday and EVERYBODY was here to celebrate!!  It was so nice to have everyone together.  Brynnen and Rilynn got to play together often.  A few things about this video:

1.  We need to work more on Ri's desire to swat others in the face

2.  I hope in the future the girls will be ale to play together nicely

3. For some reason, Ri got her feelings hurt at the end of the video and her eyes started tearing up.  This was very difficult for her Daddy to witness.  :)  But I love how much he cares about her!