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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Just Be Mom

I feel like for the past four years, I've struggled to figure out what my days are supposed to look like.  When do I clean up anything?  When do I play with my girls?  When do I need to stay home?  When should I take us all out somewhere? How do I balance all of this??

Me not having a set schedule that's the same every day is very difficult for me.

Then there's the sad fact that, most days, I was becoming irritated with my children.  I would try so hard to tell myself I wouldn't do it again.  But then I would.  

The Lord has been so kind to me these past nine months.  He's been showing me my heart.  And let me tell you, it's not pretty.  But He's recently been showing me that it's not me that can change myself.  I cannot be upset about how I act - or react - and then strive to modify that behavior.  

If I TRULY want a change, it has to begin in my heart.  When the change comes from there then it will naturally overflow to my actions.  So I've been doing what I can to spend more time with the Lord.  Communicating with Him my desire to change, reading verses whenever I can.  I still don't do that as often as I'd like.  But I've noticed when I have, my days are much more enjoyable for everybody. 

Christ in the Chaos: How the Gospel Changes Motherhood

So now, I'm just trying to be mom.  That's my only goal for the day.  Just be mom.  

Listen to them. Play with them.  Be ok with messes.  Look at them.  

They're not interruptions to my to-do list every day.  They are my to-do list!  It - whatever "it" is - can wait.  

Yes, things in my house have to get done at some point.  But a clean kitchen will only get dirty again.  Laundry is never ending.  And my kids won't remember that being important anyway.  Eventually, stuff in the house does get done.  But it doesn't have to be done right when I want it done. (letting go of this has been extremely hard even still)

Thankfully, I have a husband who helps out at home.  He vacuums, mops, cleans up the kitchen, does the dishes, and is a pretty good cook too.  He doesn't come home and expect everything to be perfectly clean and everyone put together.  Not once has he ever made me feel badly about how many times I'm still in my PJs when he gets home from work. He is a gift to me!  He only expects what I desire - for me to just be mom.  

I'm trying to be more lighthearted at home.  I used to babysit when I was a teenager and I think I was a pretty fun one at that.  But man have I been a terrible one lately.  :)  I'm going to try to focus on the words of my two year old a bit more…it's ok.

It really is ok.  All that stuff that doesn't matter.  I just wanna be mom.  All day.  Every day.

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